Partner haram

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2020.11.21 22:41 Lillytbb Leaving the family forever...

So I’m at one of the hardest points in my life, and have to make the tough decision if I should leave the family. Any advise/opinions would be strongly appreciated since I don’t have many people in my life to talk to about this.
edit - this is a burner account so dw about family finding my details
Background: I’m finishing my last year in university this year as a medical student,something that I was ‘expected’ to go into and quite frankly, was completely driven by their need for their children to be ‘respected’ in society. Graduating with my degree will hopefully allow me to have financial independence from my parents, and will lead to my full independence.
I grew up in the west, to muslim immigrant parents. My therapist describes their parenting style as ‘authoritaritian parenting’, as in basically everything I do is under their control. Very high expectations, with little to no positive reinforcement, emphasis on punishment (I also was beaten as a child) and the all of this was with the reasoning of ‘Respect’.
Pretty much most of my life I lived in fear of my parents harsh criticisms and judgements. I was severely controlled as a child to the extent where I wasn’t allowed to do certain things as a child like dance class because it would be out of the question. I got a lead role in one of my elementary school plays. I was ecstatic about it, and though my parents did allow me to perform, when I raised the topic of joining a drama club I was answered with a hysterical mother shouting ‘YOU WILL BECOME AN ACTRESS AND SHOW YOUR BREASTS ON TV! SHAMEFUL!’ (I was just 8 years old)
High school was really tough for me, I found it hard to make emotional connections with other people and of those friends, I was only allowed to be friends with girls. Sleepovers were NEVER permitted and the idea of even going to the movies or to the mall with my friends was seen as arbitrary. When I did go, my mother would make sure she knew who I was meeting and would want to collect me straight after I was done. Studies were emphasized greatly, I was pretty much always compared to my older brother and told I was not being respectful to them for choosing to be with friends or play sport rather than study.
Towards the last years of high school was when my rebellious phase started. I snuck out to see friends, started dating and drinking. I got myself in a really bad situation as a teenager where I was sexually abused but was too scared to tell my parents. In the past when they did find out about ‘haram’ things I did, I would be threatened with sending me back to their home country... so I was scared to tell them.
My late teenage years is when my depression kicked in. But when I tried to talk to my parents about it they told me I needed to pray more. They almost took it as an insult, because they thought paying for me to go to an elite high school and making me have a ‘comfortable’ life should be received with happiness, not some sadness.
If I questioned Islam my dad would get angry and defensive and justify that ‘We have done everything in our means to give you an education of islam.’ And that’s that. I identify as atheist now, though I know there’s no point in even mentioning it to them.
To add to the problems I had growing up, my mom developed a mental disorder that caused her to become very cold and mean towards me. She would often make up conspiracies in her head about my dad and this would cause great stress in the household.
Moving out of home and going to university was the best and worst thing that ever happened to me. Best in the sense that I finally got freedom, to live as I want, do what I want and see who I want. Of course, I couldn’t tell them about what I would do in my personal life but I still maintained contact with them and visited during holidays etc. When I was home, it was like I had my home-version of me, which is very different to the real me. I had some ups and downs, got myself in and out of a toxic relationship (my therapist says this is a result of the emotional neglect that I had as a child) and soon started to learn who I am and what I want in life.
This leads me to where I am now. I am really lucky to have found a great partner, who wants to be with me and start our lives together once I graduate. The issue is, of course, my parents do not approve of the relationship. He’s white and non muslim. He isn’t a doctolawyer and they don’t want me to have anything to do with him. In fact they expect me to move back home, do my residency in a local hospital and basically be just like my brother (he’s 34 living at home not married working as a doctor)
The idea of that sounds like hell to me (and even that’s an understatement.) My parents have tried to justify this kind of lifestyle to me as ‘oh we have taken care of you all our lives, we have suffered trying to provide for you financially, we have done everything. Don’t be selfish’.
The difficult thing is, there’s a guilt inside me that buys into that rhetoric. But having been through therapy for my mental problems (that came from my upbringing) I know this is a manipulation and control tactic.
I have 6 months left to complete my degree. I haven’t thought everything through yet but I just know that I cannot live how they want me to live. I need to have my own life, I need to keep learning who I am and becoming my own person. I have finally started to heal from all the pain I had growing up and am only recently starting to enjoy life (trust me there were so many times I just wanted to end it all.)
My plan is, more or less, to talk to them before I graduate. Tell them about my partner and us living together, wanting to live my own life and still want to have a connection with the family. (This fcking scares the sht out of me just to think about!) I don’t expect that they will react very well. Last year I told my mom (stupidly) about my partner, and though she was happy for me at first I caught her in one of her happy episodes, and the very next day she switched and now she calls me selfish and looks down on me for having a relationship. I lied and said that I ended it, because I was told I was living haram and this is not acceptable etc. During that conflict, I was threatened to be removed from the family because of what I had done. So it’s not a long shot to think that them finding out about my lack of faith and ‘haram’ life will indefinitely exclude me from the family.
So yeah, it’s a big step and there is a possibility I will lose my family. I have younger siblings that I care for a lot, so obviously it’s a painful one. But I really do want to live a life, cos I know being with my toxic parents and living under their rule is just not worth living for.
TLDR: 26 F who grew up with over-controlling muslim parents is finishing university and wants to start living her own life, with the risk of losing all connection with the family.
Thanks for taking the time to read. Sorry I really tried to keep it detailed yet short xD
Opinions, thoughts, comments?
submitted by Lillytbb to exmuslim [link] [comments]


2020.11.15 11:36 HouseGlad Encountering feeling of guilt after getting involved in a haram relationship with someone you love.

This is something I have been observing & reading about for quite long. We being humans at times proceed with things the wrong way. Not because we are not good muslims or we don’t have the right intentions towards the potential but simply because we’re human. We all make mistakes. Yours could not be a haram relationship or being intimate with the one you love but something else. Mistakes is what makes us human! And the best of us are surely the ones who repent.
E.g I’ll give you a scenario: “A girl & a guy fell in love with one another. They started talking meeting & fell into some errors like hugging & kissing. Both of them knew it was wrong but couldn’t stop themselves. Then one of them realises how it’s all haram & it starts to bring feelings of fear & guilt in heart.” In such situations I have seen people suggesting to the person who reaches out with feeling of guilt to simply just END the haram relationship. They suggest to block the other person. Stop all sorts of contact with him/her and move on. Ask for forgiveness from Allah & then find someone the halal way for marriage. They make this person believe how the other one wasn’t good for him/her basically. Which is just so wrong! And you’ll understand why I’m saying that in the next paragraph.
I always understand that ending a haram relationship & asking for forgiveness is what one should do & suggest to others. But why do people make this person realise how the other person is not just good for him/her? And why do they put into their minds that they will find someone better. That’s absolutely wrong to me. This person who’s experiencing feelings of guilt & fear is as much to BLAME as the other person. You can’t tell this person that the other person is not a good person because you both got into sin because of him/her. No. It could be that this other person equally loved this person & made errors just like he/she did. Just because this one realised a bit earlier doesn’t make the other one a bad muslim or a bad person.
I believe in such situations, you should rather tell them how both of them should hold responsibility for the errors they’ve done. Tell them to discuss with the other party how & what should be done exactly to rectify the mistakes. When you love someone, you don’t go nuclear on them. You make them understand how the feelings of guilt have started to eat you up. And how you both should be proceeding with things the right way. You make sure they are on the same page as you are. Their feelings are as important as yours. If you made errors while loving them or simply because you’re human, they made those errors too for the similar reasons . You shouldn’t be ghosting them or make them feel ridiculous by just leaving them/cutting contact/blocking them. Remember loving someone is not haram in Islam. What is wrong is the way people proceed with it!
For such people who approach others when in guilt, this is what you should be doing: “Discuss what you feel. Make them understand why & how things should be rectified. Take responsibility of your own shortcomings. Sincerely repent from Allah and then proceed with it the halal way. Involve your parents into it. And get married! THERE IS NOTHING BETTER THAN MARRYING THE ONE YOU LOVE!”
And for the people who suggest others to go nuclear, this is for you: When you suggest someone to just end a haram relationship, block, move on & marry someone else the halal way- You are being unjust to the other person. You’re actually being a source of pain to his/her heart. Both of them have made mistakes, right?. Both of them were equally involved. This person you’re suggesting to move on & find someone else the halal way is NO WAY better than the other one. Please don’t be a source of breaking someone else’s heart. You never know what good they have in them. This one mistake (which again both of them did) can’t define that person.
NOTE: *This is to be done when both of you genuinely love eachother & have made such errors along the way.
This isn’t for the the girls/guys whose partners basically blackmail them, abuse them, disrespect them or have other issues apart from these errors in their relationship.
submitted by HouseGlad to MuslimMarriage [link] [comments]


2020.11.15 02:42 temp121172762 Help :( monster mother in law

Would you stay with someone who has a crazy mom and ok with it plus excuses her behaviour
I am currently staying at my fiancé’s family house. We haven’t seen each other In a year due to corona and it took a lot of convincing to our parents to let me travel and see him and they only agreed if his family is around( he isn't my husband yet so we can't stay alone together) Anyways. My partner has ADD (clinically diagnosed) and so does his mom ( my partner’s diagnosis. She refuses to believe in mental health) . Like any other couple we argue a lot and especially being long distance kills us. We’ve been engaged for a while and postponing the wedding because of him taking his sweet ass time to work on his ADD and see a therapist to manage his symptoms and me dealing with my anxiety . He has done progress and so did I regarding my mental health so We were planning to end the long distance early next year by getting married.
We did argue small arguments during my stay And staying at a house where his family is isn't making it easier because sometimes they hear us when we argue. Especially his mom.
Anyway. From the first moment I stepped into his house I have realized that his mom doesn't show emotions, isnt kind at all. My partner told me she has ADD as well. So I tried to brush it off and not get hurt by it as I believed add people don’t show emotions that much or are sympathetic.
Until last week. She started questioning me out of nowhere about what our plans are. And she said u guys aren't ready to get married And she won't let him marry me and that I should quit trying to change himAnd that I need to work alot on myself. ( Mind you this is all in a yelling tone) I was shockedand hurt but she said sorry the next day and I shook it off and forgave her.
But today was my last day. I overheard her telling my fiancé that I am very disrespectful. And this is the third time I overhear her saying that. She went on about telling him that he should watch out. This crazy lady is creating stories in her head and believing them. Every mom I know, my mom's friends. My friends mothers love and respect me so much and know what kind of person I am. This lady's definition of respect is someone who goes out their to keep askung abiut her day and show interest to the mother in law even if though mother in law is always mean and not kind. Someone who has to EARN her respect. Someone who will entertain her.
Despite her awful behaviour i tried to talk to her and be her friend for my fiance sake even though i am sort of a shy person ESPECIALLY when its with someone who i can just FEEL hates me . Her disgusted of me face pushed me away.
So when I overheard that today I couldn't take it anymore. I went straight to her and asked her can you please give me one example of how I was being disrespectful? She said you're on your phone all the time and you don't try talking to me. I said I keep trying but how can I keep going when you keep calling me names behind my back and insulting my family behind my back. She ignored that and said (aha). She kept trying to make up anything in her stupid head to make me sound bad. She said I'm trying to make her son escape his values. And that we are haram cuz we watched a movie alone last night?? I went hardcore and said oh so u think we don't have values so how is it halal that ur other son lives with his gf who he isn't even married to? She kept saying I thought he found a Arab girl and I have zero arab traits ( which according to her means sucking her up) so she doesn’t like that.
She went crazy when I talked back She said SEE !! I TOLD YOU SHES NOT RESPECTFUL. I cried my eyes out.
Omg. Wtf is this shit. I love my bf to death though and we have been really doing good recently.
His stance in all of this is that that's just her personality and that I should have tried harder to be her friend. And that I shouldn't have said anything. Fucking stupid ass family. Idk what to do. How can I live a normal life with a mother inlaw who fucking hates me for no fucking reason. And a son whos too respectful to see that she's fucking delusional.
Right now. I’m mostly upset because he still thinks that I did something wrong by not trying hard enough to be her friend. I’m really sad and hurt because he doesn’t have common sense to see she’s fucking crazy. It feels like I’m trying to prove my worth when I know how innocent and kind I am. I already have anxiety and depression and this monster bullied me to death
submitted by temp121172762 to MuslimMarriage [link] [comments]


2020.11.12 18:28 Last-Stranger Importance of lowering the gaze- my experience and what I have learnt (part 2)

Salaam brothers and sisters.
Part 1 of my post never made it past mods as it was marked as a "repeated post". I've gone through some historic posts and I think my advice in this post may be somewhat different. So if this makes it past the mods I hope it helps in some way. If your interested here is the link from part 1.
https://www.reddit.com/MuslimMarriage/comments/jp5s5z/the_importance_of_lowering_your_gaze_my/
I feel like keeping our gaze low has become a form of jihad for us guys. Maybe also for the women but I guess I find it easier to relate as a guy so some of my post may be directed slightly more to the men. It feels like there is fitnah almost anywhere we look. I'm certain this is an act of satan. We are shown an assumption of beauty in the media and social media that does not exist. It's all so unbelievably fake, I can't believe I've been fooled by it for so many years.
Actresses we see in movies and TV go through hours of makeup. They wear many things like eye lashes, nail wigs/ hair extension to make themselves look different. When they are off camera many of them are unrecognisable. These "Insta models" do not even look like Insta models themselves. It's all just a big lie. But unfortunately too many of us believe these lies.
There are many people that feel they need to view haram content to fulfill their needs while they are single. The problem with the internet is the content is endless, you will never be satisfied. This unsatisfactory feeling will lead into marriage. Where as before you were lusting after many different types of women in all sorts of size, shapes and ages you now only have one person front of you. That one person may not enough.
What will you do when you're partner is unavailable? With the internet the content is on demand, there is no self control needed, it's very easily accessible. This is why we need to get out of the habit before marriage. Research shows the content becomes addictive and it leads to more extreme content. The extreme viewing becomes extreme acts. This leads leads to many things such as adultery, it's also the cause of breaking many marriages.
So to conclude brothers and sisters. I believe it's important we take control over our urges, not just for marriage but also for our deen, for Allah. Otherwise not only will we be destroying our own lives but also the lives of others. Please don't think marriage will be the fix to this problem.
submitted by Last-Stranger to MuslimMarriage [link] [comments]


2020.11.08 02:18 curlyiqra How successful are arranged marriages/arranged dating?

I'm an ex-muslim Pakistani who got married to a Persian guy by my choice, and so far, my decision has been pretty great. I don't have really any desi friends due to an abusive childhood/adulthood and several cross-country moves, so unfortunately I missed out on making brown friends.
I am still pretty curious to know how particularly ABCD women's arranged marriages/dating have worked out for them. My cousin met someone through college, secretly dated for 7 months, and was quickly married, and it's been terrible for her. My other cousin dated a deadbeat for several years, dropped him, and then got married a little while later, and seems to have a good marriage? (Not sure, I don't talk to any of my family members).
What has always bothered me is the amount of secrecy that is sometimes maintained between partners? (at least, for Muslims, because so much is "HARAM" or whatever, lol). Also, how is your sex life? Can you be open with each other? Coming from a conservative Muslim background, it was sooooo hard for me to be honest about intimacy, so I wonder if it was the same for any of you guys. Maybe I'm super biased, and I'm sure there are plenty of happy marriages, but I just can't vibe with the idea of keeping secrets or marrying for the sake of family.
What kind of freedom do you get to experience post marriage? Or is it more of the same, except with the in-laws?
Any insight to any desi marriages would be great, I'm really curious and don't have friends so I miss talking to people about personal stuff :(
submitted by curlyiqra to ABCDesis [link] [comments]


2020.10.29 18:52 LaprasLibra7 Advice on process with potential who's going through a lot personally

Salamu alaikum everyone. It's my first time coming out of the lurk-hole and posting about a situation of mine. I'm hoping some of you could give me some insight (especially the brothers) on guy's perspectives and how they deal with their mental health or family situations. It's extremely long and I probably could've done without all the details, but bear with me... TL;DR at the bottom.
[PERSONAL BACKGROUND]
For a little context, I'm currently 21 years old. I went through quite a difficult home situation for my entire life, my household was constant chaos with my parents fighting. Alhamdulilah, my father moved out 2,5 years ago and they got divorced (they're better off now). I also dealt with depression, social anxiety, body image issues, low self-esteem, cutting and suicidal thoughts since I was 13 years old. Until I was 17 years old, I also couldn't believe that anybody could love or even like me (romantically). The next couple of years, I strayed a lot and did many haram things and I pray that Allah forgives me for them.
However, last year, I made huge steps in discovering who I am, why I am the way I am (traumas) and I gained more knowledge of Islam than ever before. I finally regained trust in Muslim men that I had lost as the only men in my life were really untrustworthy, unreliable and selfish. To be honest, up until that point, I was still deeply yearning for someone to love and trust because I failed to love myself completely. I was constantly on dating apps to desperately find a connection with someone. Fortunately, through all the bad and "good" experiences, I realised and learned that I actually really wanted to marry someone with the same Islamic upbringing, preferably from the same culture. I realised that my whole life I had been trying to be someone I'm not by denying the biggest parts of my identity, which were my religion and cultural background. Alhamdulilah, I'm really glad that I was able to self-reflect and raise my emotional awareness, to finally know my needs, my wants and priorities.
[CURRENT SITUATION]
The last half a year or so, I got into Muzmatch and started talking to a lot of potentials. Two months ago, I went into my matches list and saw someone from my same culture I had matched two months before but never talked to. I messaged him (23M), he replied and we got to talking. After just a couple of days, I saw he is very family-oriented, loves kids (many nephews and nieces), loves his parents, loves Islam and the Prophet (pbuh). I saw many great qualities in him that I liked. He had also had casual relationships in the past and did stuff he's not proud of and feels extremely guilty for them towards Allah, but he told me he'd also come to a point where he wants to work on himself and have a serious relationship. He's not into social media at all and doesn't have any female friends. He is still a full-time student while I work for myself, so during the day he's usually attending online classes, but he would still text me during the day continuously.
(First meeting) We decided to meet up after about two weeks of chatting non-stop, having had a couple of phone calls and playing Fall Guys together. He was supposed to come to my city (he lives an hour away), but due to stricter lockdown rules in my city, I offered to go to him instead. We had a really amazing day, where we had goofy conversations, had great food, and it was overall a good vibe.
(Second meeting) A week after our first meeting, he was supposed to come to my city. I made reservations for a nice restaurant and game arcade for after dinner. The day before our second meet-up he went MIA until I got a casual text that evening. Due to my anxiety, I asked him if everything was alright, he replied that there was just something that happened. He wasn't in the mood for anything, so I told him to take care and let me know if he was still down to meet the next day. He said he would. The next day, he texts me around noon with a simple greeting. About half an hour before he was supposed to be there, I ask if he's still coming and he texts me with a sad emoji and casually says he doesn't think he can make it. He didn't give me a reason why, just said he's sorry and he'll make it up to me. I canceled the reservations and went on with my day. It felt like he didn't respect me or my time, but I thought "ah well, things happen". Later he said that something happened to his brother and he would explain later.
The next day he apologized again for the day before, that I didn't do anything wrong, and that he just doesn't really tend to speak about his problems and that that might come off wrong. I was obviously worried, but I understood that family issues are no light subject and you don't just tell any random person about them. I sympathized because I could see similarities with the way I was a couple years ago. However, my anxiety got the best of me and I felt like besides the family issues he just didn't wanna see me. He said multiple times that it wasn't me and that I don't have to worry, but it all didn't sound very convincing.
Despite all that, we continued talking and even though I pulled back a little, I still cared about him a lot. I know that in difficult family situations, especially when you're used to keeping everything to yourself, it can be hard to deal with it on your own. The least I could do was just be there to talk or play some fun games.
Now, even though my parents always prayed the daily five prayers as I was growing up, I had never prayed them. I really wanted to finally start praying, but I had my worries about it as a woman who doesn't wear hijab and other stuff. I talked to my potential about it and he had given me the motivation to just start praying, because it's the most important thing. All the other stuff could come later. So I did and all my worries about it faded away. I couldn't be more thankful to him for his motivation. Even though it was the best "gift" anyone had ever given me, he didn't think much of it.
After this, we set up another date to meet-up. Everything had gone back to normal and I still felt like we had a good connection. I couldn't actually doubt anything that he had said because everything added up, but I was just really scared of getting hurt that I asked for more and more validation from his side that he's serious about this. We had planned to meet up on a Sunday. Before I went to sleep the night before, I asked if he could just tell me what time he thinks he would be in my city, but he never replied.
On Sunday, I get no messages from him at all. At 1pm, I message him and no response. At 3pm, I tried calling him and no response. I get nothing the entire day. I called up my friends and went to dinner with them instead, extremely hurt but trying to accept that this guy was never going to respect me the way I respected him. At around 9pm, I was sitting in the car with my friends and vented to them about everything, even shedding a few tears because I thought this was someone I could maybe envision a future with. I then saw that he had seen my Snapchat story without ever responding to my texts. I felt like a fool. I texted him saying that I was speechless, but that the least he could've done was just explain to me why he stood me up. He then finally responded saying that he was sorry for everything. I asked for an explanation, he replied that he wants to explain but that it wouldn't change anything, that he has issues and that I don't deserve this. I told him the least he could do was call and have a decent conversation with me about it. He said he would, but tbh I didn't think it was gonna happen. He did call me later that night right before I fell asleep and I gave him a chance to explain himself. He said that the issues with his brother (depression and suicidal thoughts) are something he's not used to and that it has quite an effect on him. He also expressed issues he has with himself, but I noticed he didn't know quite what issues. So I kept digging deeper with him. I could sympathize with all his worries, but I was confused as to why it had an effect on us. He apologized and said he's an a-hole for doing all this to me and that none of it was my fault. I could tell he wasn't used to talking or actively thinking about these things. I know that I was the same way, but when people showed they really cared, I was able to open up and work through those feelings eventually. I wanted that for him too. I told him we could still continue getting to know each other but that I want him to show a bit of effort. He said he wants to make it up to me and that I should leave it up to him now. I gave him another chance to show me he's seriously considering me as a potential wife.
The next week things went back to normal again, we talked but nothing too deep, I stabbed him with jokes about showing up to stuff but everything was fine. I asked again about his issues and he expressed that he doesn't know how to word it correctly, he said he goes into a mode where he doesn't have the energy and just can't do anything. The only time he feels good is when he goes to the gym or plays sports. Even though he says he wants to spend time with me or come see me, his actions show that he would rather not do anything at all and just stay home instead. I feel annoying when I'm the only one who initiates stuff, even though he usually says okay. When I expressed these feelings, he would get upset because he says he does care about me and that he just can't call me all the time (he still lives with his parents).
When I said that my trust in his words had become so little, he said he's sorry, that he feels guilty and appreciates my patience and understanding, that he's trying to change and doing his best, but he can't force me to stay. That he does want to make it work, but that he doesn't want to hurt me anymore. I expressed to him my willingness to stay and even help him as long as he's serious about changing his behavior and about working towards marriage. It felt wrong to let someone that Allah swt brought into my life and brought me closer to the deen go through this alone, even though it was asking of me to swallow my pride and hurt and be extremely vulnerable. He also said that he thinks he screwed everything up and that he's afraid I'm gonna get fed up with him.
During this period of time, randomly during some conversations, he would say certain things that made me really sad. He would randomly throw in that "I'm too good for him", that "he's a loser" or "failure". He also said that he would feel tired most of the day, he doesn't sleep till like 3 or 4 o'clock at night, he barely has motivation for his current major. That he can't think of a plan for after graduating except getting a job to get money, get married and have kids before his parents pass away. This honestly made me think he's going through deep depression and self-doubt without even knowing it.
We had scheduled another meeting. This time we did discuss a specific time and place, he screenshotted to me the scheduled train he would take, and even texted me when he got on it. I was pleasantly surprised. He did show up this time and we ended up walking around for a couple hours in the city centre, just talking and goofing around. At a certain point that night, I sat him down and asked more about the stuff he's going through. He was still reluctant to share stuff with me, because it doesn't only involve him and sharing with me would mean opening up about a lot of family drama and personal things about his older siblings. I didn't know what to say. I just wanted to know if he sees a future with me or not. He said he did. I had my reservations about his actions matching his words, but I chose to believe him. We explicitly told each other that we were going to be "exclusive", working towards marriage. I remembered the istikhara I had prayed before this meeting and told him that. He comforted me and said he was proud of me for praying (istikhara). It felt nice.
The following week, we had discussed options of what to do for our next meeting. Rules due to corona had gotten even stricter and there wasn't much to do (restaurants had also closed). There was this kind of communal space in my city that I know through work that we could rent for the day (about 80 euros), we could play games, order food, and just talk. So I did. He offered to pay his part the day of. I told him he could just pay for food and we'd call it even. We were both excited.
Four days ago, a younger guy from my basketball club started talking to me on Snapchat, eventually getting a bit flirtatious. I showed my potential the conversation jokingly with the question of what to do with the guy. He got upset that I had even responded jokingly to the guy and I apologized for it.
The following days he got really quiet and distanced himself quite a bit. All the while, I tried keeping in contact with him and keeping him up to date on the space we rented. He asked me if we could cancel the reservation, because our vibe wasn't that great right now. I told him it wasn't possible anymore. The night before (so two days ago), I messaged him saying that I know he probably doesn't feel like meeting up with me the next day, but hopefully our connection was important enough for him to still show up. He said it was super important to him, so I didn't think much of it and expected him to come.
Yesterday morning I told him we could use the space from noon, but that he could take his time if he had online classes to attend (it's a weekday). That I'd be there working till he'd come. I heard nothing from him the whole time. I called him and immediately got sent to voicemail. I texted him at 3pm to see if he's okay. He replied an hour later that, no, he's not fine and for me to send him my bank account number so he could transfer money for the rented space. I was shocked, because I just couldn't believe this was happening. AGAIN. I told him I didn't want his money, I just wanted to talk to him. Again, an hour later, he told me he doesn't want things to end with us but that he can't come, that I better stay away from him because he only causes problems for me. I was absolutely speechless. I asked him why he can't come, but never got an answer to that. He just said he's too ashamed of himself and he cannot handle the fact he is this way. I pleaded with him to just come to the space so we could talk about things.
During these few hours, I tried calling him a couple time but got shut down immediately. He texted again saying I'm too sweet and it doesn't matter how much he wants to continue forward with me, because apparently he can't handle a serious commitment right now. He told me that he doesn't want to hurt me anymore, because he did that enough already. That he's gonna burn for this. That even though I'm worth everything, he doesn't want to disappoint me anymore because he's not stable. He expressed he's extremely sorry for his behavior, that he tried fighting through it but failed and that he never intended to cause a situation like this. That I did everything right and that I'm an amazing person. I asked if he even wanted to see me anymore and he said he does but that I deserve better. I asked if he didn't mind me ending up with someone else, he said he does really mind. I poured my heart out, but I feel like nothing really got through to him. I was so confused and speechless. I felt numb. I was alone in that big rented space, staring at a wall till I started crying, thinking "wth am I even doing here anymore".
I went home with an empty stomach, because I had been waiting on him to have dinner together. I felt hurt, but I wasn't that surprised that this happened. I was walking home and could only wonder why merely a week before, everything had turned out great. It was the first time I had told my mother about a guy I was talking to too and I felt stupid for doing that.
When I got home I told him I think it's best if he takes some time to figure things out and to see if working towards marriage (with me) could even be a priority for him right now. That I know he's going through a tough time and I'll be here for him if he needs me. But that I just can't go through an emotional roller-coaster each time we plan to do something. I told him to contact me when he knows what he really wants, what he expects from me and what I can expect from him. That if he's not serious about me and marriage, that I don't want it. I told him to take a rest, take care of himself and his family, and that I'll keep them all in my prayers. His last replies were that he will do all that and that I'm completely right. He'll also make du'a for me and my family.

It's an extremely long story and thank you to everyone who has read all this. This only happened yesterday so it's obviously gonna take some time for me to get some perspective on the whole thing. I do truly think he's a great person with great qualities. I just think he didn't realize that in order for him to get into the stage of life, he would have to step up to the plate quite a bit. Finally speaking to a woman who's serious about things and actually cares about him (unlike the casual stuff from his past) must really come as a shock. And he's obviously going through personal/family things you can't just speed forward through. I don't resent him for the stuff he did. In fact, I forgave him and I pray Allah swt forgives and guides him. I also truly believe that Allah swt has brought him into my life for a reason. Even if it was only to give me motivation for prayer. I've always been an extremely empathetic person who'll go above and beyond to make someone happy. I don't think it's unreasonable to want your potential partner to do the same for you or at least actually try.
I'm not gonna get over my feelings for him anytime soon, so I'm still committed to being here for him. I want to give this a couple of weeks while I continue with my life and goals. But I would love to know you guy's perspective on his feelings and actions. It would be extremely helpful to know what guys need when they're in a spot like this in their life, where they do want to get married but simply can't make themselves actively work towards it.
Jazallahu khair 🥺✨
TLDR: Met up with potential once, got stood up twice, met up another time, and got stood up again. He says he's serious about us and marriage, but is dealing with family and personal issues (the reasons I got stood up). He actually seems depressed, but I don't think he realises it. It feels like he can't make us a priority and his issues make him quite inconsiderate, even though he can be a very sweet person. I've given him time and space for a while till he figures out what he wants. How to deal with a potential who wants to get married but is going through these kinds of problems?
submitted by LaprasLibra7 to MuslimMarriage [link] [comments]


2020.10.23 22:39 bello_ha Zina, infertility, riba, divorce..HELP!

Salam brothers and sisters, You are the only ones I'm going to share this with. I simply can't share with anyone else no matter how close and I have a lot of close people, but I can't. Bear with me please, because I need any and all the help. A little background ; I'm an Egyptian American but lived most my life in Egypt but married to an Egyptian American that lived all his life in the US..I married my husband in 2017, it was a long distance relationship so I didn't meet him alot before marriage but we talked alot on the phone he visited for a month and then 6 months later we got married in the summer.. I asked mutual friends about him and they all said he was good, decent, and a friend said he would go to the mosque alot. That for me was a very good attribute I'm conservative al hamdullelah to an extent or I try and I have always put criteria to myself; marry a pious man. Later on I just realized he went to the masjid alot because the nature of his job (sales for an Islamic company) or to eat there ..I was disappointed as I said, this was a major attribute that got me to agree but kept telling him he should work on that more and go to pray there. Anyways, we didn't have the best relationship, he was distant at times, cold at times, compatibility wasn't the best.. it was good at first and he was nice but with time going by I just felt more and more upset because he doesnt add to me in a way that I hoped my future partner would. Anyways, we discovered he was infertile in 2018, he produced ZERO sperm. I was devastated, I always wanted kids, he was surprisingly calm so I accused him of knowing before marriage, he denied and cried saying I dont trust him.. and I apologized alot.. anyways we did IVF two trials and el hamdullekah it worked..when I was 8 months pregnant, someone knocks on the door of my house and made me sign that I received a court order. I was confused.. turns out my husband took a loan from a credit card company to pay off wedding expenses and the debt piled up till it was 12,000 dollars. I asked him alot about financials for the two years we've been together and he never told me about this. My trust in him completely shattered, he apologized, I tried to move on, and start a new page. To keep it short we went through very hard times, I left my family and home country, I helped with the financial difficulties gave him all the money I made about 9,000 dollars through out the year we faced that debt calamity, he filed for bankruptcy to get out of it.. and I went through this IVF thing.. but I wasn't happy ,,we fought.. he wouldn't understand my pressures and my needs Anyways I caught him lying a small lie the other day.. I have a rule, if you lie small lies, then you lie big ones too.. shaytan took over my thoughts and I started thinking about how he could have known about his condition before marriage..anyways I started searching through his email and it wasn't the first time tbh.. I found out he had sex with someone multiple times before we got married,, and it wasn't just one person he's done it before her too..and I think maybe after her like the same year we started talking together he was in a relationship before he decided to marry me..now this broke my heart. Im shaking as I'm writing, only Allah knows how I feel.. I know I was wrong to search in his email I was very wrong.. but I can't get it out of my head. I want a divorce. But I can't get myself to tell him that I know he committed Zina. I asked him ALOT when we were engaged if he had women in his life before and he said no. I would tell him, how come a guy that's 28 years old and never had one relationship? I told him about the guys I met and the one guy I loved but didn't work out.. but he would say he never had any past relationships.. now I understand he doesnt have to tell me about past sins because its better to repent and not expose yourself in that way but to say he never even knew women?! Let alone slept with them??! And also if the sin has been repeated with the same woman and others too how can I trust my future and my sons future with him? I can't really wrap my head around this,, I wanted a pious man, and zina is big is really really big.. I am tired emotionally, spiritually I have been worse since I married him but better in other ways because I had the hardest tribulations in my life for these past three years so that has brought me closer to Allah.. I want a divorce because he lied. Because he doesnt understand my emotional needs. Because he gives the minimum in affection, thoughtfulness even at a Dunya level he just does what pleases him whenever he wants and does the minimum effort to get out of this comfort zone and do stuff as a family or to encourage us religious wise.. he prays the five prayers and fasts Ramadan..but I dont think thats enough for me Along with the infertility issue and alot of other issues related to communication, the pressure of being close to his family and far from mine, along from the secrets he kept (the ribaa and the zina) im done i want a divorce but I need someone to read this and advise me from the heart for the sake of Allah. Tell me something that will help me clear my mind and put more perspective. When I tell him I want a divorce, I don't want to bring up the past relationships because it was haram for me to know that way..and I will feel bad putting him on the spotlight for these awful sins im no judge.. I will just tell him I'm not able to continue my life with him because I dont love him as I should. And that would be true .. Or do you think I should put my emotions aside and stay for my boy especially that he loves his dad and his dad loves him so much too? Jazakum Allahu Khayran.
submitted by bello_ha to MuslimLounge [link] [comments]


2020.10.23 21:58 bello_ha Pre marital sex, infertility, divorce, HELP!

Salam brothers and sisters, You are the only ones I'm going to share this with. I simply can't share with anyone else no matter how close and I have a lot of close people, but I can't. Bear with me please, because I need any and all the help. A little background ; I'm an Egyptian American but lived most my life in Egypt but married to an Egyptian American that lived all his life in the US..I married my husband in 2017, it was a long distance relationship so I didn't meet him alot before marriage but we talked alot on the phone he visited for a month and then 6 months later we got married in the summer.. I asked mutual friends about him and they all said he was good, decent, and a friend said he would go to the mosque alot. That for me was a very good attribute I'm conservative al hamdullelah to an extent or I try and I have always put criteria to myself; marry a pious man. Later on I just realized he went to the masjid alot because the nature of his job (sales for an Islamic company) or to eat there ..I was disappointed as I said, this was a major attribute that got me to agree but kept telling him he should work on that more and go to pray there. Anyways, we didn't have the best relationship, he was distant at times, cold at times, compatibility wasn't the best.. it was good at first and he was nice but with time going by I just felt more and more upset because he doesnt add to me in a way that I hoped my future partner would. Anyways, we discovered he was infertile in 2018, he produced ZERO sperm. I was devastated, I always wanted kids, he was surprisingly calm so I accused him of knowing before marriage, he denied and cried saying I dont trust him.. and I apologized alot.. anyways we did IVF two trials and el hamdullekah it worked..when I was 8 months pregnant, someone knocks on the door of my house and made me sign that I received a court order. I was confused.. turns out my husband took a loan from a credit card company to pay off wedding expenses and the debt piled up till it was 12,000 dollars. I asked him alot about financials for the two years we've been together and he never told me about this. My trust in him completely shattered, he apologized, I tried to move on, and start a new page. To keep it short we went through very hard times, I left my family and home country, I helped with the financial difficulties gave him all the money I made about 9,000 dollars through out the year we faced that debt calamity, he filed for bankruptcy to get out of it.. and I went through this IVF thing.. but I wasn't happy ,,we fought.. he wouldn't understand my pressures and my needs Anyways I caught him lying a small lie the other day.. I have a rule, if you lie small lies, then you lie big ones too.. shaytan took over my thoughts and I started thinking about how he could have known about his condition before marriage..anyways I started searching through his email and it wasn't the first time tbh.. I found out he had sex with someone multiple times before we got married,, and it wasn't just one person he's done it before her too..and I think maybe after her like the same year we started talking together he was in a relationship before he decided to marry me..now this broke my heart. Im shaking as I'm writing, only Allah knows how I feel.. I know I was wrong to search in his email I was very wrong.. but I can't get it out of my head. I want a divorce. But I can't get myself to tell him that I know he committed Zina. I asked him ALOT when we were engaged if he had women in his life before and he said no. I would tell him, how come a guy that's 28 years old and never had one relationship? I told him about the guys I met and the one guy I loved but didn't work out.. but he would say he never had any past relationships.. now I understand he doesnt have to tell me about past sins because its better to repent and not expose yourself in that way but to say he never even knew women?! Let alone slept with them??! And also if the sin has been repeated with the same woman and others too how can I trust my future and my sons future with him? I can't really wrap my head around this,, I wanted a pious man, and zina is big is really really big.. I am tired emotionally, spiritually I have been worse since I married him but better in other ways because I had the hardest tribulations in my life for these past three years so that has brought me closer to Allah.. I want a divorce because he lied. Because he doesnt understand my emotional needs. Because he gives the minimum in affection, thoughtfulness even at a Dunya level he just does what pleases him whenever he wants and does the minimum effort to get out of this comfort zone and do stuff as a family or to encourage us religious wise.. he prays the five prayers and fasts Ramadan..but I dont think thats enough for me Along with the infertility issue and alot of other issues related to communication, the pressure of being close to his family and far from mine, along from the secrets he kept (the ribaa and the zina) im done i want a divorce but I need someone to read this and advise me from the heart for the sake of Allah. Tell me something that will help me clear my mind and put more perspective. When I tell him I want a divorce, I don't want to bring up the past relationships because it was haram for me to know that way..and I will feel bad putting him on the spotlight for these awful sins im no judge.. I will just tell him I'm not able to continue my life with him because I dont love him as I should. And that would be true .. Or do you think I should put my emotions aside and stay for my boy especially that he loves his dad and his dad loves him so much too? Jazakum Allahu Khayran.
submitted by bello_ha to MuslimMarriage [link] [comments]


2020.10.21 04:28 tigetrare8434 Marriages feel like a huge gamble.

Are we doing ourselves disservice by not getting to know potentials because it’s haram?
Controversial topic and long post but hear me out…. I am just speaking my mind and not saying I am right or wrong…this is just meant for us to think about how we are approaching marriages and if it is really meant to be this way? I see so many posts where people are struggling after getting married … mostly because I feel they didn’t get to explore certain aspects of their partner’s personality which if they knew clearly would have been a deal breaker. I understand we have to get to know potentials within limit but are we doing ourselves a disservice? So hear me out ... at least this is my experience:
I met this guy on an app. Wonderful guy (at first), funny, we had deep intellectual conversations, good looking, we were on the same page in terms of our life views based on our first few phone calls and the questions we asked. Now I thought, wow I think I found the one! I decided to get to know him further obviously... the more we interacted the more his true personality showed up... he was pretty arrogant and just I noted huge conflict management/communication issues… just a lot of issues that obviously I could not pick up in the first few conversations. He would obviously say that he was so understanding and how communication is crucial but really anytime we had an issue his communication sucked and he undermined the problems I brought up. So.... Actions truly do speak louder than words BUT how can we get to know someone holistically enough that there is enough to look forward to but we are also not gambling with our lives?
My now fiancé … when I first met him, I had a list of questions to ask him because I needed to know if we were on the same page … and he was like I can make up stuff that you’d like to hear or you could just naturally get to know me and find for yourself if I am worth your time. He didn’t claim to be anything, I just got to know him for who he was…. I got to see how he handled conflict, how he handled feedback, was he defensive, does he get angry, does he have mood swings, is he able to offer emotional support to others etc. etc. I got to figure these things out as they happened rather than him saying things about him being a certain way and then practically being completely different. I got to see how he treats his friends… I mean a lot of things are easier said than done so how can we just trust people answering our questions and just seeing if it’s a good fit based on a couple of curated meeting with family around? … and then just halting most communication because its haram…?!
Divorce wasn’t so much of a taboo back in the day… Companions of the Prophet (PBUH) would marry women who had divorced. I guess … if you chose the wrong partner oh well its not the end of the world… but I find it hard now when divorce is so taboo in our culture… its haram to get to know someone deeply and as a result make an informed decision (or at least thats what it feels like to me) and then divorce is strongly shunned in our communities… its really a loose loose.
I don’t mean to challenge the rules set in Islam… That’s not my intention but I am just really struggling with this idea … I guess I am just looking to see what are other people’s thoughts so I can seek some perspective that I may not have already looked at in depth.
submitted by tigetrare8434 to MuslimMarriage [link] [comments]


2020.10.19 08:39 ayasee3 Intercultural Marriage possibilities

Salaam everyone, I wanted to get peoples opinions on what the possibilities are of a Hyderabadi and Gujarati Intercultural Marriage
A little background, I (21M) met a classmate (20F) through college about two years ago and had approached her as she had caught my eye for the sake of marriage. From what I had seen, she was almost everything I would love to have in a partner and my family would also be very accepting. I had spoken to her for a few months after approaching her and we both got to know one another very well and we both wish to pursue one another. I had my sister meet her personally and see her perspective and she very much approves, as well as my mother after hearing everything about her. Although I still have 2 years or so to complete university, my father would not like to pursue anything until I have graduated. Now on the other hand, her mother is open to the idea. Although her father (who doesn't know about the entire situation) is very old schooled. My families background is from Hyderabad, India, and her family is from Gujarat.
From what I have heard from other people, Gujaratis tend to marry within themselves and prefer not to marry outside of culture. Alhamdulilah I am hafiz and her family is very religious and practicing and would be very compatible, but I am curious if Gujaratis would consider marrying someone that is outside of their culture
Currently we haven't spoken in over a year as we both wish to wait and pursue each other when the time is appropriate and not be involved in a haram relationship that may cause the wrath of Allah, so I haven't been able to communicate this concern of mine to her recently. Although it would have to be a couple years until I am able to move forward with this and find out. Just don't want to wait a few years for something that may not work out
submitted by ayasee3 to MuslimMarriage [link] [comments]


2020.10.13 17:52 teojin Saw this on Quora, he asks "Which version of Islam (e.g. Shia or Sunni) is the true version, and why?" this is one of the answers.... can someone explain ?

The Version which is within Quran and Sunnah is the true version, it is hard to say that the only one sect is truest and never ever going against the teaching, i will tell you that Sunni is the true version but not all sunni jamat is true, that's why i told you that it is hard to say the only one jamat, but believe me stay away from Shia, that's a warning especially for converts because they could be confused, the reason why we should stay away from shias and the reason is - 1) they use to seek help from grave, offering sacrifice, tawaf which is major shirk (ascribing partners with Allah) 2)they believes that Quran is distorted it is not complete and many things changed 3)they regard most of the sahabas as kafirs and disavow them, and even first 3 khulafa e rashideen, they even seek to draw closer to Allaah by cursing and reviling them. 4)they regard the status of their twelve Imams to be higher than the status of the Prophets (pbut) 5)they say "Ya Husain, Ya Ali Madad" like tasbeeh like whenever someone in trouble they say "Ya Ali Madad", Damn!, We must say Ya Allah Help Me, Hazrat Ali was just a sahabi and khalifa and he is very big personality but it is not permissible to call him after his death, his is the prince of Jannah, we also love him but we can't do shirk for his love. Only Allah can help and he is the only who will do our Madad
This is just a small one i cannot text all here because the question is which version of Islam is true, you can google it about the falsehood of Shia, but we shouldn't pass judgement because only Allah is going to pass the judgement our job is to warn them and explain them in very kind way not like the way of fighting But don't think that only Shia is not on right path, there are some Sunnis also there, many extreme sufis like Barelvi, they also think that seeking help from grave is permissible and they believe Prophet Muhammad (pbuh) is omnipresent, knower of unseen, he is part from the light of Allah,etc. Which is also shirk (ascribing partners with Allah), so what we do??? which one is the one???
Personally, i do feel the sect who never go against teaching of Islam and never do innovations is the best sect and i will text those some sects but there are some mistakes too, we are humans and we are never free of mistakes
1)Salafi - the sect in Saudi,Gulf,USA,UK,etc they are best but they are too strict in many ruling there are also another twin sect i.e Ahle Hadees Indo-Pak Region,UK which is also good but they says that only we are true and everybody is false, this is right but we can't say everybody false because they'll be excuse for their wrong beliefs, and some of salafis also believes in extremism but not all NOT AT ALL, they do not follow any from the four imam but independent thought however Salafis follows Hanbali school but not blindly as Deobandi Hanafi they also leaves something only Ahle Hadees don't follow any imam but they are doing independent taqleed from the references of Hadith, That's why deobandis called then Ghair Muqallid
2)Deobandi - the sect in Indo-Pak Region, UK and South Africa is also best but there are many mistakes in them too more than salafis like they permitted supplication through Prophet (pbuh), pious peoples but not direct supplication, which is called Waseela like "Oh Allah, Grant me This and This by the virtue and higher status of so and so" which is haram and bidah, they use to read Quran and give good deeds to death which is unproven from Quran and Sunnah it is also bidah, they blindly follow taqleed i.e blind following imam, that may lead to shirk because if he follow something from imam which is contrary to Quran so that will become shirk because he is disobeyed word of Allah and following his imam even though Allah told us and he still kept the word of imam higher than Allah so then it will become shirk, their book called Fazail E Amal have big controversy among Salafis and Ahle Hadees that Fazail E Amal is the book of lies, myth and shirk, they says that some part of it constitute shirk, while deobandis says that "Ghair Muqallid (they called this to Ahle Hadees and Salafis) saying something lie and some misunderstanding, we checked we checked and we found nothing" and Ahle Hadees also attack another deobandi book Tareekh E Mashaik E Chisht and it constitute shirk from somewhere in that book but that thing is unproven yet among deobandis. But as far as my knowledge Deobandis is also very against shirk and grave worshipers and they are protecting themselves but they didn't deny some weak hadith from 6 Major Hadith like Salafis because deobandis also believes in weak hadith that's why they didn't stop themselves in term of Waseela because they find from somewhere in 6 hadith and Salafis classified that weak, deobandis listen everything from his old scholars while salafis listen what they found to be good and leaves what they found to be bad. Personally I didn't found they Practicing Shirk of Grave Worshiping Yet
Division and differences among this ummah is something inevitable, to which history bears witness, as do the texts of the Sunnah of our Prophet Muhammad (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him).
The Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) said: “Whoever among you lives after I am gone will see a great deal of dissent.” Narrated by Abu Dawood 4067
And That's What Happen, this hadith is also miracle
The Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) also described them in the following terms: “My ummah will split into seventy-three sects, all of whom will be in Hell except one group.” They said: Who are they, O Messenger of Allaah? He said: “(Those who follow) that which I and my companions follow.” Narrated By Tirmidhi 171
Bottomline which one is the one, the best one is Ahlus Sunnah Wal Jamaa' i.e Sunni is closer to be most correct But only Acceptable Jamat, the jamat who claim to be from Ahlus Sunnah Wal Jamaa' if he is not fit in the group is out from the fold of it.
Only Allah Knows Which is The Best
And Allah Knows Best
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2020.10.08 12:48 ShankarTiwari Discover the truth of Rahu Kaal & Rahu Mahadsha

Discover the truth of Rahu Kaal & Rahu Mahadsha
Rahu-Kaal-Tabij.in_
Explore the truth behind the malefic effects of Rahu Mahadasha. Know the effects of Rahu kaal or Rahu Kalam with accurate Rahu remedies.
Rahu Kaal is one of the most feared aspects of Indian astrology.As per Indian astrology, Rahu Kaal or Rahu Kalam is specific 1/8th daytime part of the weekdays which is said to be ruled by the evil planet Rahu – the Lunar Node. Simply put, Rahu Kaal is the specific period of about one hour and thirty minutes during the day (between Sunrise and Sunset) which is governed by Rahu. So, Rahu Kaal is the bad time in a day. It is a very inauspicious time of the day. It is assumed to be highly malefic, and people do not initiate any activity whatsoever during the Rahu Kaal.
On the Other side Rahu Mahadasha is a phase that exists for 18 years of the life of a person. During the period of Rahu dasha, the person will face several obstacles in almost every aspect of his/her life. They will lose respect and peace whether it be their business or well-being. There will be a financial loss, conflicts at the workplace, any important or auspicious events will be difficult to take place and get constantly postponed.
Impacts of Rahu Kaal/Rahu Mahadsha
At the point when individuals accomplish any promising work during Rahu Kaal (Rahu Mahadasha period) or play out any favourable capacities, for example, marriage, naming function, commitment, havan, puja, Yagya, and so forth then there are chances that the work or the capacity experience snags. There are signs for startling deferrals or disappointments. At times the local feels demotivated because of absence of disappointment.
Affected by Rahu ki Mahadasha, an individual may handily get cheated or deceived by their shut ones. They lose their temper and enjoy clashes with their life partner and kids. They need family uphold and effectively get harmed in the exercises.
Solutions for Rahu kaal:
  • One should love Goddess Durga and present Durga Stotram.
  • One ought to not initiate any new pursuit.
  • They should focus on Divine.
  • Shift centre around sure considerations and thoughts.
  • Worship Lord Shiva or recount Kaal Bhairav Beej Mantra (Rahu Mantra)-"Om point haram Kaleem Shri batukbhairavaya".
Notwithstanding, on the off chance that you have begun any work or propitious ceremonies or excursion before Rahu Kaal, at that point you need not defer it. You may proceed with it and complete it during or after Rahu Kala with no misgivings.
On the opposite side, Rahu Mahadasha licenses the nearby to accomplish the ideal targets. They get remarkable land properties, wealth and find fortune in reserves.
Exactly when Rahu Mahadasha ends, Jupiter Dasha begins after it. Jupiter Dosha remains for the 16 years. As Jupiter is the Ruler of sagacity and life works out, people will all in all get comfortable with the new things depending on their past deeds. They comprehend your idle limit and see your partition focuses.
Regardless of anything else, we have to appreciate our all issues are related to our kundli doshas and just by taking right answers for it, we can deal with all of our issues. There is a detail information given underneath about different Doshas and for the right answers for it consult with us.
Remedies for Rahu Mahadsha
  • Start wearing blue colour clothes in your routine.
  • Respect your father in-law, maternal grandparents and sick people.
  • Take good care of street dogs or you can pet a dog.
  • Do not consume liquor or non-vegetarian food.
  • worship Goddess Durga or Shri Varaha Avatar of Lord Mahavishnu & Lord Bhairav.
  • Apart from that, reciting Shri Durga Chalisa would also be a good Rahu remedy.
For Ketu Mahadasha in Vedic Astrology & Ketu Dasha Effects regarding Dosh problems consult our specialist.
To Get Your personalized report, Converse with our Astrologer specialist Now!
Contact: +91-9178117363 or +91-9776190123
Visit: Tabij.in
submitted by ShankarTiwari to u/ShankarTiwari [link] [comments]


2020.09.27 16:23 charlieshap are drugs haram ? the verse seems to be talking about alcohol.

I frequently hear that drugs are haram even on this sub, but where is the proof for this ?

the quran mentions alcohol, khamr. khamr is not drugs. the word for "drugs" or "narcotics", or even "stimulants" in arabic is not khamr. khamr designates specifically alcohol, it might even designate a specific type of alcohol. also the alcohol is never actually made haram but that's a different topic.
not to mention God literally created us with drugs inside of our bodies ? like when you fall in love ? when you're in bed with your partner ? when you get runners high ? are those not affecting our mental states ? how are they considered "khamr" ? they're not.
finally most drugs have beneficial aspects, especially medicinally. sure, cocaine might not help cure your cancer, but other drugs do.
my whole question here is why do we say drugs are haram when God didn't seemingly forbid them ?
submitted by charlieshap to Quraniyoon [link] [comments]


2020.09.22 22:41 holographicpyramids2 I don’t think this is the right religion for me.

So me and my beautiful girlfriend have been together for about a year. She’s Muslim. So about half way into our relationship I took my shahada. I began to read the Quran and go to masjid with my partner. I don’t know why but being at the masjid makes me very uncomfortable. I don’t like standing shoulder to shoulder with people (I’m autistic). Anyways I’ve tried befriending people my age at the masjid in efforts to learn more and have some friends. I quickly realized that I’m not like the other guys my age at the masjid. I had nothing to share or express and felt very left out. Once again maybe it’s because I’m autistic.
I’ve also came to this community to talk to you guys about stuff. I talked about my spiritual experiences with ingesting plants and meeting Allah. Which subsequently led me to take my shahada. I’ve learned a lot about life through these experiences of meeting Allah. And that’s where the major problems started. Now I understand that drugs are “haram” but not all drugs are. I got bashed on by y’all. Many people told me to seek medical help or to talk to an Imam. I even surprisingly low key received hate mail from some of you calling me a drug addict with delusions. Oh and the best one yet someone said that I’m cursed by shaitan and I’m doing his bidding for him. HAH that one made me laugh. I even poured my HEART out to the moderator of Muslim over private chat just for him to basically say the same thing as everyone else. Wouldn’t even give me the respect of hearing my story of how I came to Islam. I came here searching for like minded people and all I found out was that I’m once again just a black sheep. So thanks for everything. I shall continue my journey elsewhere. Peace and blessings be upon you .
submitted by holographicpyramids2 to Muslim [link] [comments]


2020.09.22 20:01 Maybelowsmv The traditional role of a Muslimah

[views are not carried out in my own life].
Introduction
Our parents ideally want the best for us, and it is why as women we require a wali to accompany us to places if we're travelling far and why we require a wali to help us decide on suitable marriage partners. Suitable marriage partners would be ideally chosen for his religious commitment, his kindness and gentleness to women, his trustworthiness, his looks, wealth, status, etc. Granted, once you accept the hand of the man you desire who is approved by your wali, there is lots of things to consider.
Child-Bearing
One of the most important reasons for why people get married is to have a stable condition to raise children in. Islamically, men are recommended to marry women who are child-bearing. This suggests that it is also desirable for women to get married whilst younger as they will have greater child-bearing capabilities and can increase the size of the Ummah Insha Allah.
Make-up
It is the role of a Muslimah to beautify herself for her husband. She can do this through the use of good clothing and makeup. This was seen in the practice of the righteous women who wore fine clothes and jewellery at home to look beautiful for their husbands. A mistake a lot of women make is that they prioritise looking beautiful for the sake of other women, for instance, and remain at home looking 'homely'. Additionally, it is not appropriate to beautify yourself for the sake of other men especially when married. So a good practice would be to always dress and look well in the home so that your husband will look at you pleasantly.
Be pleasant in character
Whilst both men and women should be kind, there is a natural emotional role attached to women. To keep your union pleasant and harmonious, consider warmly greeting your partner, engaging in loving physical touch, complimenting your partner, and being comfortable with trusting in his lead and being vulnerable with him. This will present you as more feminine and would help him feel more masculine.
Be patient
Look and address your husband in a positively light. If you see that he is doing something wrong, encourage him to do good by speaking to him gently and rewarding his good behaviour. If you agree with his opinions or actions, show gratefulness. If you disagree, do not argue or express that you are 'better' than him... instead find ways to gently discuss topics and uplift his value.
Additionally, if he desires to fulfil his Islamic right in marrying plural wives, remain patient. I encourage you to read a beautiful poem that highlights the characteristics I have shown within this post so far: kindness, understanding, sympathy, love, beauty, and patience.
The poem
Polygamy, hmm tell me my sister, what is the big deal?
Your husband, my husband can have up to four wives if Allaah may will.
Explain to him why you are stressing, cos it's as though all the responsibilities are on you.
Fast Ramadahn, guard your Salaah, obey your husband and do what you do.
We as women are not like the men. We take our husbands to be our best and closest friend.
But Allah did not create the men like the women.
Take two, three or four so don't blame him sister if he want more.
Why make haram for him that which Allah has made halaal.
If you deny him of this, then have the courage to stand before him looking all wild.
Polygamy is something that is easier said than done. On the brother's part and on the sister's part.
But don't worry about who he loves more in his heart.
This matter is with Allaah, so strive to please your Lord.
Your destination is the Jannah, this dunya is just room and board.
Sister please don't worry yourself with "what are they doing". You continue to do what you do.
Have your stuff planned out, laid out and be beautified for the time that he spends with you.
Yes I understand polygamy can be very hard on the first wife.
And for some of us it cuts worse than the sharpest knife.
But what about your new co-wife? Who don't know your husband like you do.
So, it has to be scary for her too.
Sure, go ahead explain to her how he like his meat cooked.
And she will share with you her favorite cookbook.
Remember you are striving for the Jannah, not only for the love of this man,
If he is your ultimate goal, then my sister you have the wrong game plan.
This deen is good advice and this is mine to you.
Don't worry about what they are doing,
just handle yours when it's time for him to be with you.

Sources
https://idealmuslimah.com/family/polygyny/3047-personal-poetry-on-polygamy.htmlhttps://idealmuslimah.com/family/wife/3044-disrespecting-husband.html
https://idealmuslimah.com/family/wife/3619-keep-your-marriage-alive.html
https://idealmuslimah.com/family/wife/126-why-you-must-beautify-yourself-for-your-husband.html
https://www.islamweb.net/emainpage/printarticle.php?id=135443&lang=E
https://islamqa.info/en/answers/5202/attributes-of-the-ideal-muslim-husband
https://islamqa.info/en/answers/186325/can-she-ask-for-a-divorce-if-her-husband-takes-a-second-wife
submitted by Maybelowsmv to SunnahMuslimMarriage [link] [comments]


2020.09.03 08:15 lazeeye A Grand Unified Theory of Guilt

Adnan and Hae had been in an intimate romantic relationship, which was Adnan’s first sexual relationship.
Hae recently ended the relationship, and was soon in a relationship with someone else. The “someone else” was older, had a nicer car, was of a different race and religion, and his race and religion were the dominant race and dominant religion in the society in which Adnan was an outsider.
Adnan had been overtly possessive of Hae during the relationship.
Adnan had been severely hurt emotionally and psychologically by the breakup.
Adnan had no one within his own family or community with whom he could speak openly about his feelings, because the relationship itself was haram within his religion
The breakup occurred over the Christmas holiday in 1998. When school resumed in early January 1999, word spread quickly at the WHS campus.
Adnan, as the so-called “loser” in the breakup, suffered even greater emotional pain as a result of being so perceived by his classmates.
It is reasonable to assume that Adnan may have experienced suicidal ideation during this incredibly painful period. Anyone who has ever had their heart broken during adolescence knows that it is very painful, and it seems that no one understands. And, Adnan couldn’t talk to anybody about in his family about it.
Adnan eventually wrote the words “I’m going to kill” on the final break up letter that Hae gave him. It is reasonable to assume that, if Adnan had been experiencing suicidal ideation, at some point this metastasized into the idea of killing Hae as well.
(Aside: It is beyond dispute that intimate partner violence is a significant problem among American high schoolers. A study published in JAMA Pediatrics in 2019 revealed that 90% of high schoolers killed by a current or former intimate partner are female, while close to 90% of the perpetrators are male. In sum, many high school boys have murdered the current or ex-girlfriends. For such a thing to happen is, unfortunately, not in the least uncommon. ) (EDIT 2020-09-03: in a comment below, u/DressedUpFinery pointed out correctly that this paragraph is misleading, because it doesn't state the numbers. I am now copying in an excerpt from the abstract of the JAMA article that is pertinent to correct this misleading flaw in my original post:
Of adolescent homicides, 150 (6.9%) were classified as IPH. A total of 135 victims (90%) were female (mean [SD] age, 16.8 [1.3] years). Overall, 102 perpetrators (77.9%) were 18 years and older (mean [SD] age, 20.6 [5.0] years), and 94 (62.7%) were current intimate partners of the victim. Firearms, specifically handguns, were the most common mechanism of injury. Compared with IPHs of young adults aged 19 to 24 years, perpetrators of adolescent victims were younger and less likely to be a current intimate partner. The most common categories of adolescent IPH homicides were broken/desired relationship or jealousy and an altercation followed by reckless firearm behavior and pregnancy related.
The JAMA study is at: https://jamanetwork.com/journals/jamapediatrics/fullarticle/2730578. It is well worth a read. Whether the numbers are significant is, at least speaking as a layperson, in the eye of the beholder. For the purposes of the study--32 participating states from 2003-2016--I think it is terrible. The kids are not alright)
High school boys are, to put it mildly, not very supportive of each other emotionally. If one of their peer group loses a girlfriend, it is at least as likely to be an occasion of mockery. It is reasonable to assume that Adnan suffered such treatment from male friends and acquaintances at WHS, exacerbating his emotional suffering.
Sometime in the first or second week of January, 1999, Adnan, in conversation with Jay Wilds, expressed thoughts of killing Hae.
On January 12, 1999, Adnan activated a new cell phone. He called Hae three times in fairly rapid succession in the late evening/early morning hours of January 12/January 13. He claims that he just wanted to give her his new cell number, but he was going to see her in first period in less than 8 hours, and could have given it to her then. Something else was behind the three phone calls to Hae.
During first period at WHS, on the morning of 1/13/1999, Adnan asked Hae if she could give him a ride somewhere off campus after school that day. Adnan said that it was to pick up his own car, which was either “in the shop” or “with his brother.” At the time Adnan made this ride request, his car was neither in the shop, nor with his brother, but parked in the WHS parking lot. Nor would Adnan’s car ever be “in the shop” or “with his brother” on 1/13/1999. Later that morning, Adnan entrusted his car and his brand new cell phone to Jay Wilds.
There is no witness who actually saw Hae get in her car and drive away from WHS at the end of the school day. However, her friend Debbie testified consistently that she saw Hae, at about 3:00 p.m. on 1/13/1999, in a “rush” or “hurry” to leave school. It is undisputed that one of Hae’s responsibilities was picking up her younger cousins from their school by approximately 3:15 p.m.
Adnan, despite professing very clear, even vivid, memories of other events on 1/13/1999, claims to have no specific memory of where he was or what he was doing between approximately 2:45 p.m. and 4:00 p.m. that day. He claims only that he never left the WHS campus. He also agrees with the affidavit of his classmate, Asia, that he encountered her in the Storyville public library between approximately 2:20-2:45 p.m. that day. The Storyville library is immediately adjacent to the WHS campus, and in fact is situated on the exit route that Hae would have taken in driving away from campus at around 3:00 p.m.
Adnan had gone to school with many of his WHS classmates since 1st grade. He was a Senior in 1998-1999, which means he had been a fixture on the WHS campus for 3.5 years, and was known by sight to other students and to faculty. He was popular, and an athlete. Nobody recalls having seen him at or near the WHS campus after his alleged parting with Asia at 2:45 p.m.
Hae was murdered by manual strangulation, in her car, somewhere away from the WHS campus, between 3:00 p.m. and 3:30 p.m. on 1/13/1999. The only person known to have tried to gain access to Hae, in her car, off campus, after school, on 1/13/1999, is Adnan Syed, and he told a lie in requesting such access (that he needed to pick up his car in the shop, or at his brother’s).
A 2.5 minute phone call is placed from Adnan’s cell phone to a person whom Adnan alone knew (Nisha) at approximately 3:30 p.m. on 1/13/1999. The call is too long to plausibly be anything other than a conversation. Cell tower data shows that Adnan’s cell phone was not on the WHS campus when this call was made.
The person to whom the call was made, Nisha, says that she received a call from Adnan around this time of day and around the time-frame when Adnan first got his cell phone. (1/13/1999 was the day after Adnan had first activated the cell phone). Nisha says that she also spoke with Adnan’s friend, Jay, on this occasion. Jay says that Adnan called somebody around this time of day on 1/13/1999, and that he, Jay, spoke to her. The only one who denies this is Adnan. Adnan’s supporters claim this was a “butt dial.” By making such a claim, Adnan’s supporters impliedly concede that, if the Nisha Call was anything other than a butt dial, Adnan murdered Hae.
Jay Wilds has stated, consistently, that Adnan told him he, Adnan, murdered Hae.
Jay Wilds has stated, consistently, that Adnan showed him Hae’s corpse in the trunk of a car.
Jay Wilds has stated, consistently, that he helped Adnan throw Hae’s corpse away in Leakin Park during the evening/night of 1/13/1999.
Adnan, despite professing very clear, even vivid, memories of other events on 1/13/1999, claims to have no specific memory of where he was or what he was doing after approximately 6:00 p.m. on 1/13/1999.
Jay’s memories of helping Adnan dispose of Hae’s corpse are corroborated by: (i) cell phone records, that show two calls on Adnan’s cell phone during the time in which, per Jay’s trial testimony, he and Adnan were throwing Hae’s corpse away; (ii) cell tower data, which shows that the two calls pinged a cell tower whose coverage area includes the spot where Hae’s corpse was thrown away; and (iii) Jenn, who testified and maintains that she made one of those two calls, placing Adnan and Jay with each other at that time.
Jenn states consistently that she saw Adnan and Hae together in the evening of 1/13/1999; that Jay told her that Adnan had murdered Hae by strangulation (correct); and that she helped Jay dispose of evidence. Adnan does not have any memory of any events to show that Jenn’s testimony is wrong.
Jay knew where Hae’s car was stashed after the murdecorpse disposal, and led police to the car.
Jay had no motive to murder Hae. If Adnan murdered Hae, it would be yet another in a long, lamentable line of instances where a jilted boyfriend murders his ex. If Jay killed Hae, it would the first time in history, known to me, that one teenage boy murdered another teenage boy’s girlfriend in order to punish the other boy for being too friendly with his own girlfriend.
Hae was not sexually assaulted, reducing to approximately nil the chance that she was murdered by a random serial killer, or rapist who went too far.
Hae was murdered by manual strangulation, indicating that her killer was able to get close enough to wrap hands around her throat, without her suspecting any danger.
Adnan never attempted to contact Hae after 1/13/1999.
Adnan admitted to police on 1/13/1999 that he had asked Hae for a ride after school that day, but said she got tired of waiting. About two weeks later, he claimed he never said that. Since 2014, he claims that he never would have asked Hae for a ride, because of how super-seriously she took her obligation to pick up her cousins. This is a flat-out lie, since Hae routinely gave Adnan rides when they were dating.
In the entire time since Adnan’s story burst on the scene, there has been not one credible scenario of actual innocence provided by even one of his supporters (Adnan himself is no help, since he claims to have no specific memories of the two critical time periods that day, when Hae was murdered and when her corpse was thrown away in Leakin Park).
Jay has never recanted the so-called “spine” of his story.
Jenn has never recanted.
Nobody else has ever come forward, claiming to have seen/been with Adnan between 3:00-3:30 p.m., or after 7:00 p.m., on 1/13/1999, excluding Adnan’s father (who claimed to have been at the Mosque with Adnan that night).
Adnan has never remembered anything about what he was doing between 3:00-4:00 p.m., or after 7:00 p.m. on 1/13/1999.
Jay’s lies and prevarications are entirely typical of, and consistent with, the lies and prevarications told by accomplices to avoid accomplice liability (the same sentence as the underlying crime) and get a better deal for themselves, and none of his lies contradict the spine of his story.
The so-called 2:36 CAGM call timeline is a red herring. It was never in evidence at Adnan’s trial. It was contradicted by Debbie (who saw Hae alive at 3:00 p.m.) and Jay (who claimed getting the call sometime after 3:30 p.m.)
If the truth is otherwise, then Adnan is in the top tenth of a percentile of the unluckiest people ever to have lived.
I know I've left some things out, but this covers enough.
In sum: a jilted adolescent boy, who had his heart broken by a girl he loved, murdered her by manual strangulation, and, fuck-up that he and his accomplice were, he got caught quite readily.
As Pop the bookseller says ruefully to Jimmy Stewart, in Vertigo: “There are many such stories.”
submitted by lazeeye to serialpodcast [link] [comments]


2020.09.01 23:48 Maybelowsmv Muslim men have to be beta by definition and that's okay

A beta would have traits that are attractive in a long term relationship partner which do not increase sexual attractiveness, such as money and willingness to commit. The things a beta would bring to the table include: money, willingness to commit, generosity, showing an interest in and desire for children, trustworthiness, kindness, lack of obvious history of abandonment, etc.
This is in contrast to an alpha who is instinctually sexually attractive. An alpha brings a number of traits to the table too. These include, but are not limited to: status, bias to action/willingness to approach, risk-taking behaviour, pre-selection, and a "I don't give a fuck attitude". He would typically be characterised as good material for hookups or short-term relationships. In cases where he does commit, he'd have to change his personality to include some beta traits to maintain the relationship.
So why do I say Muslim men have to be beta by definition?
For one, pre-marital sex is haram and so is approaching women to seduce them. This makes it impossible for most Muslim men to demonstrate pre-selection. Arguably, some could show it by having multiple wives (though I believe the dynamics would be different there - women generally don't like the idea of having to share resources with other women, but I'll let the argument stand).
For two, the responsibilities of a Muslim husband are essentially beta. This is to ensure longetivity in marriage. Refer to the first paragraph for cross-references.
In conclusion, Muslim men have to be betas and that is okay. Unless you are going to create new definitions for betas and alphas, then you're just going to have accept that a western ideology (the redpill) is not compatible with Islam.

***

Islamic sources:
"..And one of His signs is that He created mates for you from yourselves that you may find rest in them and He put between you love and compassion; most surely there are signs in this for a people who reflect." (30:21)
"Imam as-Sadiq (a.s) stated: 'Whoever is our friend, expresses his kindness to his spouse more'." 4
"The Prophet of Allah (S) stated: 'The more one becomes faithful the more one expresses kindness to his spouse'." 5
"Imam as-Sadiq (a.s) stated: 'One of the characteristics of the prophets of Allah is that they are all kind towards their wives'," 6
"The Prophet of Allah (S) stated: 'The words of a man who tells his wife, 'I love you truly', should never leave her heart'." 7
submitted by Maybelowsmv to SunnahMuslimMarriage [link] [comments]


2020.08.29 22:33 throwingtinystills Seeking advice on conversion from spiritual agnosticism or atheism to Islam- [crosspost from r/converts]

Crosspost from converts because it doesn’t seem to be a very active sub... TLDR: I’m looking for guidance on how you developed your spirituality and anyone who would be willing to share their journey from agnosticism or atheism to Islam. When I googled this previously all the results I found said that if you doubt there is a god, then you stop being Muslim, period. I’m not sure I will ever be able to begin.
My Background: I am female, 20s, USA. I grew up surrounded by Protestants and Catholics in the southern US, but my own family had no religious beliefs. I did not have a great impression of Christianity for many many years until I met more loving, compassionate Christians in college. All my life they were judgmental, intolerant of LGBTQ individuals, hypocritical, and supported harmful policies in my country. However, I was enrolled in a Baptist preschool and I later learned about and discussed with my mother all sorts of religions and spiritual practices from the time I was 8 or 9 years old. This ranged from world religions to indigenous beliefs, new age spiritual practices, and meditations. I dabbled in pagan spirituality and spells. Reading an English translation of the Bhagavad Gita resonated the most with me. I leaned the most towards pagan and universalist beliefs...that everything was connected in the universe, an energy in all living beings and systems, and that things unfold however they should. I have wanted for many years to develop some type of faith or spiritual practice, especially in my darkest days I wanted something I could feel comforted by and that I could fall back on. Mostly I found trying to align parts of my life with the seasons and cycles of the earth, and also using mala beads to meditate filled some of this hole but there was still something missing. I started attending a Unitarian Universalist church for awhile. As a side note, I used to work closely with a Muslim family and the phrase/meaning of “inshallah” wore off on me and I continued saying it in my own head all the time.
Opening the Door to Islam: Approximately a year ago I met my partner, who is Muslim. When I first met him he was not strict in staying away from haram activities and substances, and I considered him a progressive or liberal Muslim. Very relaxed.
But we both experienced a lot of spiritual development during this past year’s Ramadan. My partner taught me how to do Wudu, I read about Ghusl, and I followed him in prayer during the Fajr and evening prayers. I fasted half of Ramadan. Since Ramadan I have continued to encourage him to say all of his prayers and he really loves that I do this. I encourage us to do Salah together sometimes. I crave and need it. I’m frustrated that I cannot pray alone properly yet.
Because of my experience during Ramadan I feel like I’ve opened a small door to converting to Islam. He never pushes his beliefs on me. He waits for me to ask questions and to ask to be taught things.
Now, “Inshallah”, “Alhamdulillah”, “Mashallah” feel natural but I am shy to say these. I make Dua throughout my day or when I hear certain news. The ritual of cleaning and Salah is something I love. I felt comforted and more peaceful, especially when the fears of the pandemic really escalated. I have always dressed fairly classy and respectful but I have begun naturally seeking out even more modest clothing and feel more comfortable in it...for instance when I go to the grocery store instead of wearing shorts.
”But”... But the biggest thing I am struggling with is having been raised agnostically / atheistically is having or professing a belief in Allah. I realize that some of my actions or words now DO assume the existence of Allah. I pray to and give thanks to him all the time and feel as though someone hears me. I try to be mindful about some teachings regarding patience, anger, language. But I know many of my thoughts or words still do NOT reflect any belief in a Creator. I think I just take comfort in the rituals and I do not feel alienated like I would with Christianity. My partner knows this about me, but I am careful not to express my doubts around him so that I do not chip away at his own faith.
I fantasize about us both being on the same page religiously when we raise kids in the future and of his Arab and Muslim friends seeing me as a good, loving (Muslimah) wife to him. My partner has never expressed a desire or need for me to convert or to wear hijab.
But right now, I cannot imagine myself saying the Shahada. It just doesn’t make any sense to me. I have read so much on religions, had a few great in-depth World History classes, and also a philosophy course that had sections of reading and discussion on God and a Creator.
With all of that, the step of declaring my faith feels yards away from me. I am looking for advice. Thank you!
(Seeing the effect the same rhetoric had on my Christian friends growing up, my concerns about accepting a religion or community that condemns LGBTQ individuals, and premarital sex, is another very large but different concern of mine I can bring up in another post.)
submitted by throwingtinystills to islam [link] [comments]


2020.08.28 02:15 throwingtinystills Advice sought from those who converted from spiritual Agnosticism or Atheism - Shahada.

TLDR: I’m looking for guidance on how you developed your spirituality and anyone who would be willing to share their journey from agnosticism or atheism to Islam. When I googled this previously all the results I found said that if you doubt there is a god, then you stop being Muslim, period. I’m not sure I will ever be able to begin.
My Background: I am female, 20s, USA. I grew up surrounded by Protestants and Catholics in the southern US, but my own family had no religious beliefs. I did not have a great impression of Christianity for many many years until I met more loving, compassionate Christians in college. All my life they were judgmental, intolerant of LGBTQ individuals, hypocritical, and supported harmful policies in my country. However, I was enrolled in a Baptist preschool and I later learned about and discussed with my mother all sorts of religions and spiritual practices from the time I was 8 or 9 years old. This ranged from world religions to indigenous beliefs, new age spiritual practices, and meditations. I dabbled in pagan spirituality and spells. Reading an English translation of the Bhagavad Gita resonated the most with me. I leaned the most towards pagan and universalist beliefs...that everything was connected in the universe, an energy in all living beings and systems, and that things unfold however they should. I have wanted for many years to develop some type of faith or spiritual practice, especially in my darkest days I wanted something I could feel comforted by and that I could fall back on. Mostly I found trying to align parts of my life with the seasons and cycles of the earth, and also using mala beads to meditate filled some of this hole but there was still something missing. I started attending a Unitarian Universalist church for awhile. As a side note, I used to work closely with a Muslim family and the phrase/meaning of “inshallah” wore off on me and I continued saying it in my own head all the time.
Opening the Door to Islam: Approximately a year ago I met my partner, who is Muslim. When I first met him he was not strict in staying away from haram activities and substances, and I considered him a progressive or liberal Muslim. Very relaxed.
But we both experienced a lot of spiritual development during this past year’s Ramadan. My partner taught me how to do Wudu, I read about Ghusl, and I followed him in prayer during the Fajr and evening prayers. I fasted half of Ramadan. Since Ramadan I have continued to encourage him to say all of his prayers and he really loves that I do this. I encourage us to do Salah together sometimes. I crave and need it. I’m frustrated that I cannot pray alone properly yet.
Because of my experience during Ramadan I feel like I’ve opened a small door to converting to Islam. He never pushes his beliefs on me. He waits for me to ask questions and to ask to be taught things.
Now, “Inshallah”, “Alhamdulillah”, “Mashallah” feel natural but I am shy to say these. I make Dua throughout my day or when I hear certain news. The ritual of cleaning and Salah is something I love. I felt comforted and more peaceful, especially when the fears of the pandemic really escalated. I have always dressed fairly classy and respectful but I have begun naturally seeking out even more modest clothing and feel more comfortable in it...for instance when I go to the grocery store instead of wearing shorts.
”But”... But the biggest thing I am struggling with is having been raised agnostically / atheistically is having or professing a belief in Allah. I realize that some of my actions or words now DO assume the existence of Allah. I pray to and give thanks to him all the time and feel as though someone hears me. I try to be mindful about some teachings regarding patience, anger, language. But I know many of my thoughts or words still do NOT reflect any belief in a Creator. I think I just take comfort in the rituals and I do not feel alienated like I would with Christianity. My partner knows this about me, but I am careful not to express my doubts around him so that I do not chip away at his own faith.
I fantasize about us both being on the same page religiously when we raise kids in the future and of his Arab and Muslim friends seeing me as a good, loving (Muslimah) wife to him. My partner has never expressed a desire or need for me to convert or to wear hijab.
But right now, I cannot imagine myself saying the Shahada. It just doesn’t make any sense to me. I have read so much on religions, had a few great in-depth World History classes, and also a philosophy course that had sections of reading and discussion on God and a Creator.
With all of that, the step of declaring my faith feels yards away from me. I am looking for advice. Thank you!
(Seeing the effect the same rhetoric had on my Christian friends growing up, my concerns about accepting a religion or community that condemns LGBTQ individuals, and premarital sex, is another very large but different concern of mine I can bring up in another post.)
submitted by throwingtinystills to converts [link] [comments]


2020.08.26 01:12 throwwaycounting2 Why do I keep getting Friend/Bro zoned by girls I like.

I(26 M) find it very difficult in escalating things with the women I like. Girls usually respect me a lot (might be because Iam a little bit religious). I know many girls who Iam friends with. But that's the problem when I try to approach any of them for marriage they turn me down saying that they only like me as friend or a brother.
Just recently this girl that I liked sent me a message that she hasn't seen any guy like me. I thought this was a clear signal from her so I asked her if she was interested in marriage. She replied that she considers me only as a Friend and cannot even think of me as a partner. Like why? Am I not a Man?. On the other hand some other people I know who have been in Haram relationships through out their lives have so easy time around girls as they have become masters of flirting and apparently girls like that. They'd be talking to multiple girls at times. In the end they can just marry the one they like the most.
Sometimes I just feel like a jerk for not also going and flirting around with women to have a good time. I regret just being solely concentrated upon My Deen and academics and not focusing on the romantic aspect of my life. Has anyone of you in that place as me. What did you do to get out of the friend zone curse?
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2020.08.22 07:35 Tion3023 [EVENT] The Great National Effort - Phase 1

The National Effort Scheme

The National Effort Scheme would be the economic centerpiece of the National Progressive Party. The ten year plan boasted ambitious goals aimed at solving many of the problems plaguing Alkebulan. In a sense, if the National Effort Scheme was successful, then National Progressivism would show itself to be a viable political and economic model.
In an effort to amass support from conservatives in the NPP, Junior Party Member Arthur Nowden presented the National Effort Scheme to the National Assembly. He was backed by Edward Ukaegbu, Junior Party Member and son of President Ukaegbu.
In his presentation, Nowden outlined the following goals;
The Ministry of Transportation will see to the overhaul of transportation in Alkebulan and those in its sphere of influence.
Alkebulan will successfully nationalize areas deemed as being exploited by foreigners. Appropriate compensation will be provided.
Alkebulan will successfully allow the ECO more influence, providing more economic influence to all involved nations.
The Alkebulan Armed Forces will successfully integrate regional forces. The Alkebulan Armed Forces will also firmly establish itself within the West African Defense Force.
Alkebulan will arrange the creation of the African Union Defense Force, as agreed upon by the African Union.
Regional Commissariats must be completely integrated, lowering the risk of instability.
The Ministry of Energy will see to it that Alkebulan is powered by a mix of efficient, clean, and renewable energies within the confines of international law. Power will be available to 100% of the population of Alkebulan and its partners.
The Ministry of Agriculture will see to the expansion of Alkebulan’s agricultural output, allowing it to catch up with population growth.
Alkebulan will organize the creation of a megacity, which will serve as the capital of Alkebulan and the West African Union.
The Ministry of Human Services will see to the eradication of homelessness.
The Ministry of Education will see to the eradication of illiteracy.
Desalinization technology will be used to provide fresh water to Alkebulan and its sphere. Water gained will also be used in massive agricultural superprojects.
Abuja shall undertake a project to revive Lake MegaChad.
The dissolution of tribes and the implementation of a unifying national culture.
Reroute the profits of the Trans-Saharan Pipeline into Alkebulan’s liquid reserves, utilizing it as sovereign wealth funds.

Transportation

All roads lead to Rome Abuja
Path
The Alkebulan Rail Corporation will undertake what will someday be the foundation of the Nigerian and West African Maglev Railways. Though for now, the Rail Corporation will focus on constructing metropolitan maglev lines in major metropolitan areas throughout the continent.
Abuja
Lagos
Kano
Ibadan
Port Harcourt
Accra
Abidjan
Kinshasa
Lusaka
Dar es Salaam
Addis Ababa
Transportation is by far one of the most neglected things an average person might take for granted in the West, especially when it comes down to mundane roads. When looking at Alkebulan and its various regions, Nigeria itself isn’t so bad but the situation in other regions is abysmal.
Alkebulan will pave over 800,000 km of road in the West African Union and West African Union affiliates. Concrete will be used due to its suitability for the weather, its impressive durability, and its cheap cost.
To assist paying for this, Alkebulan will seek a long-term loan from the People’s Republic of China. $10 billion will be paid per year over a course of 5-10 years, or for as long as it takes for the project to be completed. Vast tracts of forest might have to be cut down, or certain areas might have to be partially terraformed to accommodate rough terrain. An additional $200,000,000 will be paid to construct adequate sidewalks, rest stops, street lamps, and various other utilities. An additional $1 billion will be spent on maintenance of current roads and the continental high-speed rail system. $2 billion will be spent paving 25% of unpaved airports in nations mentioned, and the creation of a paved heliport at each airport.

Energy

Project Amadioha
The Age of Terror is over, with the last remnants of Boko Haram being swept aside by National Progressivism over a decade ago. Taking advantage of the stability, Alkebulan Energy Corporation will work to vastly improve the amount of energy it currently produces, provide power to all of Alkebulan’s citizens, and provide enough power to fulfill the needs of Alkebulan’s neighbors.
The Alkebulan Energy Corporation will petition the People’s Republic of China to construct 35 power facilities with six 1,000 megawatt (MW) ACPR-1000+ pressurized water reactors. The project would be nowhere near the amount or usage in other continents, but it would be enough to provide for Alkebulan and all of its African allies. The project, seeing a mix of African and Chinese specialists, would produce about 241.5 GWs ( 241,500 MWs). Abuja will once again seek a loan from China, paying $10 billion annually over the course of 3-6 years.
The Alkebulan Energy Corporation will embark on its most ambitious endeavor yet with the creation of a massive concentrated solar power hub. The Amadioha Solar Power Hub will be located west of the Djado Plateau. The region is mostly uninhabited, with the peoples around being small villages inhabited by the Toubou peoples.
The legacy of Project Amadioha will be one of DESERTEC, which the endeavor is primarily inspired by. The size of the massive compound will be 1,210,000 hectares(1.21e+10 square meters). Massive amounts of material will be required, with official numbers being listed in state archives. The project would ultimately provide around 363 GW at the cost of $242 billion. Abuja shall request a loan from China to cut the cost down by half, allowing it to pay things over the course of 10-15 years. Not only will it allow the West African Union and most of Africa the power it needs, but it’ll also provide Alkebulan the means to invest in a long-term terraforming project to transform the Sahara.
And finally, the Alkebulan Energy Corporation will attempt to construct a West African Union powergrid connecting the various largest cities in each state. With centers in Abuja ministering and controlling things, all nations in West Africa will be able to provide power to a large majority of their population. This’ll take anywhere from 2-5 years and cost $10-20 billion usd.
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2020.08.06 10:06 SuikaCider [HR] The Vegetarian

Kirk was sitting on the bed when I arrived to his cell, right leg crooked over the left and fingers interlaced in his lap. He didn’t seem imposing, and in fact did not even acknowledge me at first, just sat there staring at whatever point on the wall he’d laid his eyes upon. I wasn’t sure what to make of him. Bony face, empty and unadorned as the room itself. Pronounced clavicles. Tufts of brown hair poked out from the neck of a white tank top, which in turn had been tucked into a pair of orange trousers. Both were too large. An untouched pork roast was laid out on a platter next to him, the slab of meat girthier than his leg.
“We don’t normally do this, you know,” I said.
He turned and looked up at me, moving only his head to do so. Bushy eyebrows, flat nose, drooping earlobes, pointed chin. The corners of his lips curled up just enough to tip the scales and qualify as a smile. For a while he continued sitting there, looking more through me than at me, but then he blinked twice and met my eyes.
“I know.”
I took a step back in spite of myself, feeling like I’d opened the door to a naked stranger. Instead of covering up, though, he acknowledged me and grinned, as if saying don’t worry, this is the locker room, everybody is changing clothes here. He never moved an inch, but the tightness in my gut insisted that we were much too close. I was about to retreat another step when he reached out to pat the mattress beside him. The ring finger on his left hand was missing.
“Take a seat.”
I hesitated for a moment and then edged forward, sitting as far away from Kirk as I could. There were two feet or so between myself and the pork roast. Then him. A few feet further was the far wall of the cell. Its cement bricks were painted a peculiar green, like melted mint ice cream.
“Oh, Peter,” he said, a twinge of disappointment colouring his voice. “I don’t bite.”
I scooched closer, perhaps six inches; just enough to create a space for my left hand. The tips of Kirk’s lips dropped back down and his eyes glazed over again. It happened so quickly, as if an electric current was running through his veins and my little rejection had caused an important switch inside of him to fall out of place. Weight disappeared from the air, I was able to suck in a quick breath and, sighing, realized that the hand I’d planted next to me had been shaking. My eyes wandered to the far wall and settled upon a worn steel sink.
“I heard that you’d requested to eat with me,” I said.
The mention of food seemed to flip whatever switch I’d knocked loose. Kirk leaned over towards his pillow and then turned back to face me, a plate and some silverware in each hand. He placed one set on his side of the pork roast and the other on mine. I couldn’t help but notice the scars on his bicep when he extended his arm to do so. Jagged purple things that stood a half-centimeter tall, as if whatever caused them hadn’t quite been able to take his life and settled for a swathe of skin instead. Just then Kirk looked up, but as his smile grew, he must have misinterpreted the reason for my staring.
“I don’t suppose you like pork, do you?”
“I don’t eat pork,” the words fell out of my mouth, practically a reflex at this point.
“Really?” his eyebrows shot up. “You Muslim?”
“Huh? No. I mean, it’s not just pork. I don’t eat meat at all,” I said, more comfortable now that his focus had shifted off of me. “Back in high school I—”
Kirk interrupted me. “I used to do construction work. Carpentry, to be more specific. Anyhow, sometimes we got lunch at this barbecue joint. But one of the guys was a Muslim—Abdulrahman, I think—and he never came. So I asked him why. He said that pork was considered haram ‘cause it tastes like human flesh.”
“Uhh.. well, in my case, back in high school I dated this girl for a couple years. One day we saw a PETA advertisement on TV; cows getting tazed in a slaughterhouse. She got upset and started bawling—the cows were panicking and wailing, it was really terrible—and the next thing I knew, we were vegetarians. We broke up a few months afterwards, but fifteen years later and here I am, still a vegetarian.”
Kirk let out a whistle.
“It’s not really something I think about anymore, though,” I added. “After you haven’t eaten meat for a while, eventually it stops looking like food to you. Plus, I was already a vegetarian when I began cooking, so I never learned any recipes that needed meat. It’s just a habit, I guess.”
At the word habit, Kirk turned to look at me again. Differently, this time. I’m not sure how to describe the way he looked at me, exactly. Hesitantly, with scrutiny; the face a child makes when they’re rolling a new word around in their mouth and aren’t sure what to make of it. He lifted a hand and ran his fingers through the stubble along his jaw, back and forth from the beginning of his cheekbones to the bottom of his chin. Interested, to say the least, and searching.
“In that case,” he said, “do you want a slice?”
“Erm, no. I’m fine, thank you. ”
“Oh,” he frowned, then put a few slices of pork roast on his own plate. He stabbed one with his fork and then held it up in front of his eyes, squinting as if he were inspecting a dollar bill for signs of forgery. “Kind of boring for a last meal, huh. I heard that people order some pretty crazy stuff, but I just couldn’t think of anything I really wanted to eat,” he cocked his head a little to one side. “When I was a kid I heard about this restaurant in New York that sold gold-leaf plated ice cream sundaes. Always thought I wanted to try that just once before I died. Even just a spoonful. But when it came down to it, I asked for a pork roast. That’s the funny thing about habit, I guess.”
I didn’t respond, and he didn’t press me to. After a while he placed the entire slice of pork into his mouth—a whole slice, and a rather thick one at that—and chewed in silence. Though I’d have cut it into smaller pieces, myself, it was a wholly normal manner of eating. Lips sealed, but struggling to remain so. Cheeks puffed out. His jaw went down, his jaw came back up; slow, rhythmical, intentional. Eventually he lifted his chin a bit and swallowed. A lump formed in his throat and seemed to be stuck there for a second, then disappeared.
“Abdulrahman was wrong, by the way,” he said, bringing a fist to his mouth to suppress a burp, then turned to face me. He looked into my eyes right away this time. “About the pork, I mean.”
There wasn’t vitriol or remorse in Kirk’s words, but there was lightning. People often say they feel a chill race along their spine, or that their hairs stand on edge, but this was nothing like that. A wave of electricity dashed through my body as soon as the word pork made contact with my ears; my forearms clenched, my stomach lurched and my back straightened. All in the span of a tenth of a second. Then, finding nowhere to go, it held me transfixed. Pressure built in my throat and I wanted to breathe so badly, like a leading tone itchs to resolve to its tonic, but I found myself unable to contract my diaphragm. So I sat there, tensed and trembling, until I realized that Kirk wasn’t looking at me anymore. His gaze had returned to the wall—or to the sink, rather, judging by the tilt of his head—and he fell quiet. But the way his fingers slowly flexed and unflexed, clutching his pants so hard the fabric ruffled and then falling lifeless, I could tell that he wanted to say something. Unfortunately, the sink’s basin seemed much too shallow to find the words he was looking for.
“I wasn’t always like this,” he said, finally. “It... happened to me, really. Was just minding my job, you know? You’ve got to, in construction. My dad used to point at the saw after he’d cut a board in half. You see how slick it cut through this here two-by-four? Yeah? He’d say. Like a goddamn knife through butter. And it’ll do the same thing to your finger. Ya hear? We respect our tools, but all it takes is a second. One day a few guys had just finished loading a skip hoist and somebody told a joke. Apparently one of the others—his name was Carlos—thought it was real funny and he cracked up. Really cracked up, could hardly stand straight. Without thinking he laid a hand on the skip hoist to steady himself and so happened to grab the wire rope. It was exposed, somehow. Anyway, they’d been loading it with debris, yeah? Just then the batch they’d sent off discharged, the wire jumped and it ripped three of his fingers straight off. He’s lucky he didn’t lose his whole hand. I was standing twenty feet away, smoking a cigarette on break, and one of the fingers made it all the way to me.” Kirk sighed, long and deep.
“Just plopped there in front of me, fell right out of the sky. I was stunned for a second, but by the time I came to, I had that finger in the ziplock bag with my chips. At first I was worried somebody might see me, but they were preoccupied with Carlos. Understandably. So I wrapped the bag in a few napkins and stuck it under the ice pack in my lunch box, then ran off to help. We got him to the hospital real quick and then the foreman told us to take the rest of the day off. Everybody was shaken, to say the least.” he said. I was scrambling to put pieces together, but thankfully, Kirk didn’t seem too interested in hearing what I had to say. He just kept talking.
“I used that extra couple hours to go to the store and get stuff for a simple marinade. A bit of olive oil and soy sauce. Dijon mustard, ground black pepper and a clove of garlic. Let it sit overnight, then I roasted it with an omelette for breakfast in the morning. There’s not much meat on a finger, unfortunately.” Kirk suddenly glanced up, meeting my wide eyes for a second before looking away. His face was a mix of guilt and embarrassment, as if he was confronting someone who had earlier walked in on him masturbating. “It was nice. A bit chewy, but not in a bad way. I’m not much of a chef, but I remember thinking that it’d have gone better with something more acidic. Maybe a pineapple marinade. Anyhow, nothing like pork. Noth—” He looked up again, stopping mid-sentence upon meeting my eyes. Then he just sat there with his mouth open for a few seconds.
“And that was that for awhile. It was just… a really intense curiosity, and it was harmless, and it was done. The fingers were too fucked up to be reattached, anyway. Now I knew, you know, so that was that. It wasn’t bad, but not so special. Just a piece of meat. Not worth the trouble. That project we were working on ended and I went the next couple years without thinking about it again,” he nodded and bit his lower lip. “Then I took a project upstate. The commute was too far, so after the first day on the job I went to book a room at a nearby motel. Am I scaring you, Peter?”
I stuttered for a few seconds without saying much. His gaze hung much more heavily over me than his words did, so I looked away, to escape his eyes. “It’s unsettling, yes.” I said.
“That it is,” he said. “Anyway, it’s 9:30 at night or so and I pulled into this little motel lot. The worksite was already out of the way as it was, and the motel was in the opposite direction of the city. Real pretty though, at the foot of a mountain trail. I imagine it was for hikers, but this was mid-march and it was still too cold for that. There was nobody in the administrator’s office and, just as I was resigning to a night in the truck, I heard the scream. Not a scream like your kid had done something stupid or something on TV made you jump, either. You don’t know what desperate means till you hear someone scream like that. So I went looking. It didn’t take long, given that there was only light coming from one room and the door was cracked.”
“I stepped into the room to see two people struggling in bed. A woman old enough to be wrinkled but still with a head full of brown hair, her nightshirt half ripped off, and standing on the bed over her a large man. He had on a dirty red t-shirt, a bare ass and a pair of denim shorts around one of his ankles. When I walked in they both stopped and stared at me for a minute, all three of us frozen in place. The man moved first. ‘Get out,’ he said, but I was so shocked I couldn’t move. Then he turned towards the doorway, took a step forward and pointed a finger at me. You. He took another step forward, and when I met his eyes, I understood a bit of what I heard in that woman’s scream. They were hard steps, his penis bouncing from side to side with each one. For some reason my response was to bunch up my shoulders, hands at my side, like I was standing at attention. I couldn’t move from that spot, and maybe he saw my terror, that man started laughing as he walked towards me. Then the tips of my fingers felt the hammer, still hanging off the loop of my jeans.”
“A few steps later he reached out towards me. I don’t know if he meant to push me, or to grab me or to hit me. But when he reached out, suddenly all that desperation exploded into action. I swung out, the hammer connected with the side of his head and he dropped. Like a stone. It was over in a second, much quicker than I actually processed what happened. I stood there staring at him, motionless and bleeding on the floor, then looked up at the woman. She had pushed herself up tight against the bed frame and pulled the blankets up, scrunching them to cover her chest. We met eyes and she began whimpering—Please, don’t hurt me. Over and over again like some mantra. Eventually she lost it and started sobbing and convulsing, shaking the blankets off. Her breasts were pockmarked with cancer spots and bruises and wrinkles, but in that moment, she looked like a vulnerable little girl. Fear does that to people,” he said.
“Anyhow, I just stood there for a few minutes; it was all too surreal. Eventually it dawned on me that I’d just killed someone. The adrenaline and dizziness disappeared, like the image of an old television shrinks to a single point before blinking out into darkness, and I panicked. I hadn’t planned this. I was just doing my job. In that moment my life fell apart to the background music of this woman’s crying. There was no more noise than that, it was practically silent, and it all happened in a mundane hotel room you wouldn’t look twice at, but there was no going back from that day. That stood out to me real clear, like it was a line of text highlighted in a book. Everything had changed now. I didn’t know what to do so I dragged the man’s body outside, put him in my truck bed’s tool box and drove home. It was less of a choice and more of a resignation.”
“I ate him, of course. Started with his penis; deep fried, strewn with parsley. It was chewy, not in a particularly pleasant way, but the testicles were nice. Hard on the outside, crispy, but soft and sticky on the inside. His thighs were memorable, too—salt, pepper, a bit of nutmeg. Some sauteed brussel sprouts on the side. Eventually I finished eating him, but curiosity had only begun eating away at me. The next few years are a blur; I don’t remember how many people I killed. Ten? Fifteen? Maybe more. When I killed the man I was so worried that I’d see my face on the news; every time I heard sirens outside I tensed up, assuming they were for me. That they were coming, and the world knew what I’d done; but the world didn’t know and the police never came. I guess that woman at the motel didn’t paint a picture of me, and even if she did, I’d never ran into issues with the law before. They had no reason to look for me. I was just a normal guy out doing my job. The serial killers you see on TV, you know, I think they wanted the notoriety, like it was some sort of voyeurism. But I tried to stay out of the spotlight, and I guess it helps that I didn’t have a type. I’d get a fat old homeless guy here, a little orphan there. Lots of different ethnicities and sizes and ages. One day I picked up this methed-out prostitute. Straight up told her that I was going to kill her and eat her. That one sticks with me, out of all of them, you know. She didn’t respond, didn’t start frantically yanking on the door handle. Didn’t fight me or panic. Just sighed, closed her eyes and reclined the passenger seat a bit. It was hardly the worst thing the world had thrown her way; I suppose she’d been waiting to die for a long time already. I didn’t enjoy her.”
“I didn’t enjoy much after that, in fact. It was like the printer ran out of ink and started putting out stills that were nothing more than several shades of gray. The passion was gone, the creativity dead. Everybody looked about as appetizing as your dad’s meatloaf—” Kirk glanced at me. “No offence, Peter. I’m sure you’re great. Anyway, I stopped eating. Not just people, either. Everything. The bread in my pantry got moldy, the milk in my fridge went bad, and I started going, too. I lost a lot of weight.” Kirk’s hands reached up, seemingly inadvertently, and traced his clavicle. It stood so far out that I imagined he could wrap his fingers around the bone if he pushed a bit. “It happened real gradually. I’d always wake up early on Sunday mornings to make breakfast. Toss some bacon into the skillet, then when that’s done you use the bacon grease to make fried potatoes. You might as well have a cigarette or two because that takes awhile, fifteen or twenty minutes maybe, and otherwise you’re just standing there stirring. But they’ll be real good and crispy. Try it sometime. After that you can start the toast, then you use the same pan to scramble eggs. Once they set, toss in a bit of cheese, some salt and pepper. I liked to add a bit of paprika, myself. Anyhow, it’s simple, but it’s good.” Kirk wet his lips.
“Or, well, it was good. This prostitute, yeah? I picked her up on a Tuesday evening and we got back to my place at nine in the evening or so. Normally I’d talk to people, get to them a bit, but this woman just sat in the chair and ignored me the entire trip. When we got back I walked over to open her door, and she adjusted her skirt a bit then got out. I walked a bit behind her because I expected her to run, but she didn’t. Just walked to the house and let herself in. So I led her to the bathroom and told her to wait there; I went to the bedroom and took off my clothes, so as not to get blood on them. I took my time, and I thought she’d make an escape while I was gone. Show her colors. The door wasn’t locked, after all. But when I came back she was still there, sitting on the toilet. Didn’t even acknowledge me at first. Eventually she looked over real slowly, like she was bored. And her eyes, they—” Kirk stopped mid-sentence and scrunched up his face. “You’ ever kill anybody before, Peter?”
The question took me aback. “No,” I said. My voice was much shriller than I had expected, almost a whisper. “Never,” I glanced at my watch.
Peter nodded. “Well,” he said, “people look at you in a certain way, just before it happens. It’s an intimate thing. At first they’re shocked, and that quickly turns to fear. The adrenaline kicks in and they struggle for a bit, but before long that wears off and they accept that the ball is in your court. From there, some people start crying. Some people will beg with you, some people scream. Some people just stare at you, like a challenge. Eventually they give up. All of them. From that point on, they look at you in this special way. Like a child looks at their mother, or a pet waits for food. Expectantly, vulnerable, submissive. They’re totally dependent on you now, and they know it, and they know you know it. It’s a real intense thing, real personal; they might never have looked at anybody like that before. Hopeful and hopeless at the same time. It’s like looking right into their soul. You learn a lot about them during those few minutes. And then you kill them.”
“But this lady, she didn’t do anything like that. Just sat there, as if she was bored, like I was wasting her time. I stood there looking at her for a long time, I don’t know how long. I wasn’t sure what to do with her. You can’t dance if your partner doesn’t do their part, you know? Eventually she got up, walked over and took the knife. At this point I’d have let her wave it at me, I just wanted to see something in her. Instead she ran it through her own stomach. Deep. Then she walked over to the bathtub, laid down and died. I was still standing there, and I stood there for a long time, unsure what to make of things. But I never figured out what to do, so instead I left the bathroom and went to bed,” Kirk raised his eyebrows and shook his head slowly from side to side.
“I felt off that entire week. Sunday came, I made breakfast but found I couldn’t eat the bacon. The eggs were fine, and the potatoes, but I had no appetite for the bacon. I ate her liver, instead, but it was off, too. Next went steak and fried chicken, and within a few days, I couldn’t make myself eat any sort of meat. Somehow, after eating so many people, normal meat had just become a bit boring. That’s what I told myself, at least. Like somebody who starts drinking sparkling water instead of soda. It’s just not quite the same. Hard to get excited about. So I became, as you call it, a vegetarian,” Kirk flashed me a smile, but his lips were the only part of his face that moved. It disappeared just as quickly as it came, then he reached up and scratched the back of his head. “I don’t know what happened, really. At first it was just meat, but then other foods followed, too. Within a couple weeks I couldn’t stomach the scrambled eggs or fried potatoes, either. By the time a month had passed I’d completely stopped eating. She was still up there in the bathtub and it was starting to stink. There was a half bath on the first floor, but I hadn’t showered since.”
“Two months in I woke up to hunger pangs. Terrible ones. Oh god, the hunger; it felt like my stomach was being ripped apart. I needed to eat. Something, anything, now. But I hadn’t left the house since that night. There was nothing left. So I—well you know, right?” Kirk glanced at me. “I saw you looking at my arms. I began cutting myself, taking chunks of meat from here and there. Mostly my thighs. Not such big ones; they bled for a bit and then closed up just fine. Unfortunately, it turns out I’m not all that delicious. A few days later I did this,” he held his hand up. “Just went into the kitchen, grabbed a knife and cut it off. There wasn’t as much blood as I expected, but it didn’t stop. Once it started it just kept going, and going, and I wasn’t sure what to do about it. So I went to the hospital. The entire world stopped to look at me when I walked into the emergency room, but they hurried me to a room and patched me up just the same. Then they asked what happened, so I told them, and they sent me to inpatient care. Later that day the police found the girl. The therapists there asked me why I did that, so I told them—how this all started with Carlos’ finger, had come full circle and now it was time for me. Or something like that. I was in the hospital for a couple weeks, then was sent to prison to wait until my court case. That whole process took several months, but time wasn’t so important to me during those days. The next thing I knew my sentencing was up around the corner.”
“It hit me when I was getting dressed that morning. I didn’t dress up too much, but I figured that a guy should at least wear a tie to his own sentencing. So I put on a pair of navy blue slacks and a white Oxford; found an old belt, too, then set about doing my tie. Choosing the tie didn’t present much of a dilemma, as I only had one of them—mottled yellow, knitted—but what to do with it was more difficult. Eventually I decided on the Merovingian. It’s quite a difficult knot, so I expected to fail a few times. I fucked it up, of course, and then again. And again. Eight times. It didn’t bother me until I looked in the mirror and, seemingly for the first time, noticed my missing finger. Surely I would have succeeded if I had but one more finger; I threw the tie down and stomped. The Merovingian laughed at me.”
Kirk sighed.
“Not a lot gets by me, you know. But somehow, somewhere along the line, I lost my self. I’d have noticed if it were my dress socks or the change jar. If the stop sign down the street disappeared one day. But my self, it slipped away so quietly, and I was none the wiser. Maybe it was chased off by lust, or maybe my… hunger… consumed it, too. Maybe it went bit by bit, I don’t know. But for whatever reason it struck me that morning when I was trying to put on my damn tie. I was shocked to see that I was missing a finger, and suddenly I began coming back to myself. The fuzziness disappeared and I snapped back into it, only to find that I was missing much more than a finger. I didn’t have a self to come back to anymore. The Merovingian laughed at me.”
There’s nothing you can do,” it said. “It’s inevitable. Even if you stop, even if you know that you’re done, you swear it won’t happen no more, that doesn’t mean it’s gone. Nothing can replace it, that taste. And you know it. Try to move on. Just try. It’s hungry, and it’s powerful, and it’s patient. And once it gets ahold of you, it’ll eat away at you until nothing is left.
Just then two men appeared in the doorway and announced that time was up. Kirk was taken by a guard, and on his way out, without looking back at me, he announced:
“A nail is driven out by another nail, Peter. The Merovingian is coming for you, too. ”
And then he disappeared around the corner.
The warden furrowed his eyebrows and looked at me. “What the fuck was that?”
“I don’t know,” I said. “I don’t know. I don’t know. I’ve never talked to the man in my life.”


The warden disappeared and Peter began to cry.
Shortly after, he took a slice of pork.
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